This World

"This world has nothing for me, and this world has everything." 

Caedmon's Call

A whole new generation of Christians has come up believing that it is possible to ‘accept’ Christ without forsaking the world.” 

A.W. Tozer

I am so guilty of this! And I struggle. As I type this I know that I want something better for my life, but at the same time, I wonder if I will ever break free of the bonds on me. I have a better understanding now after living overseas what life is really about, and its not about the fleeting things that I still chase after! Music, movies, materialism, the internet, and the list could go on.

I went shopping tonight at a mall nearby, and I don't know why, but lately shopping has lost its luster for me. (which is probably a good thing). I had a low day, and was tired of my own thoughts that were becoming a huge distraction to my work, but I didn't want or need the company of others, and I didn't want my thoughts to be spoken if I were with someone. I did have a reason for going, but later realized a side motive was also to have a "pick-me-up". 

All over the place is the message: "You need this!" "You deserve this!" "This would look great on you!" "Its such a great deal!" Such a "positive" atmosphere, that more often than not the consumer leaves unsatisfied or negative. (Hmm... that really didn't fill this void did it?)

We are so often tempted to chase after "lovers less wild". How often my flesh wants to go to music, TV, movies, shopping, food, etc for escapes.... When I am only filled by my God. On the way home my taxi driver took me through a ritzier area to get to where I am housesitting. I say ritzier, knowing that the area I went through is considered ritzy here, but would be considered upper middle class back in the states. My stomach turned. Money, something so many take for granted, yet others die because they don't have it... whether of starvation or no health care. 

I don't want to stay in this vain rut. Is there a balance in sharing blessings and allowing yourself to be blessed? If there is a balance, what does it look like?

This Girl I Know

As a wilting flower, she waits...

Will she be watered?

She wants to cry for help

But is too dry

If it isn't because of sun,

its the heavy shadow overhead.

She gave herself away

Believing the lies of love...

some of his speaking,

some of her own convincing

She keeps falling into the same routine

And always comes out heartbroken

She wants to give up on them

But that is where she feels loved

She is crying, she is scared

Will this flower stop wilting

Will she be beautiful again

She is His treasure, His lovely one

But will she ever understand that?

How I wish I could convince her

When I look her in the eyes

Will she see the sincerity and truth I speak?

Or will she look within instead of upwards

For her worth and beauty

Sweet child of God-

THEY can't complete you-HE can

THEY will never treasure you as HE does

Your full beauty is seen only by HIM

My sweet Father, help me tell her

Give me the strength to always speak your truth to her,

Give her heart ears to hear.

Mixed Emotions

Excited to be coming home
Excited to be here
Sad to leave this behind
Scared to go back

Many sweet memories and treasured moments are often remembered.
Everyday is sweeter and not as mundane
The things that annoy me, now strike me as things I'll miss
Those that are so dear to me, I already cry for the loss
How great it would be to have the best of both worlds.

Yet on the other side of the world,
How much of it is my mind's curiosity or the pull of my heart towards something once treasured? That I wonder of their well-being.
or maybe because I wasn't the only one left with questions,
or am I now forgetting the hard times?
I am confused for still caring,
And moving forward is in reality different than moving on.
I suppose it is ok to think about something once invested in,
but to not let it consume you.
I wish it were as easy to forget than be forgotten, or to leave than be left.
All I know is that the best replacement for all these thoughts are prayers....

So if anyone's ears are burning out there, it may just be
because I am talking about you to Him......

and truly wishing good things for you.

Blah-g

So here comes a bit more of my vulnerability..... I've had a rough month +/- of discontentment. Overall in my single life I have been content in where God has had me and not felt pressured to be pursued or overwhelmed with discontentment. I don't write this for encouragement or a shoulder squeeze, moreso for liberation of carrying this around with me. It is a bit late in getting it out of my heart and into words on here, and as I type I know that the weight is not nearly as heavy as it was.

I don't know why the discontentment hit so hard this time around, other than to think it was an attack from the enemy to distract me in the current focus I have. I believe it was from the enemy because of the direct arrows aimed right where my heart was struggling.

For whatever reason, I was feeling forgotten by God when it comes to the "bliss" that most people have in sharing life with a companion. I know that I am not forgotten by Him and that He has an awesome plan for me be it with a male companion or not, (I already have the best Spiritual Companion) but for some refining purpose I was put in that trial, and while my mind knows better, my heart was harder to convince. I believe the enemy knew that, for as I struggled his little *annoying* voice kept telling me, "You feel forgotten by God because you are forgotten by God." I am grateful for the discernment that the Holy Spirit gives that I knew right away that the father of lies was feeding me some of his whoppers. He just wouldn't relent for a while, and he made it seem like a clock was ticking in my ear of the time passing on without said "bliss".

I am glad for where I stand in Christ, and how I can trust in the sovereignty of God and His hand in my life. It strikes me as intriguing that this trial came at a time in my life when, even as I was presented with an interest outlet of sorts, and knowing that I am not quite ready for that road again..... why, in a time of only needing friendship and acknowledging that, was I so overwhelmed by discontentment?? I wonder too if its part of the lies the enemy feeds missionaries that we are missing out on stuff from back home, and as I am "missing out" on friends' weddings, engagements, having babies, etc, he thought he'd wedge his foot into my life a bit and throw some darts.

When I don't listen to his "Woe to you" darts that fly past my ear, I can see so many beautiful reasons why my perfect God who has NOT forgotten me has had me single thus far, and I am so grateful for how He's written things in my life that I'd never dreamed of... stuff in the "more than I could ask or imagine" department. He's really cool like that!! In looking in this past year alone and the challenge upon challenge He has permitted, I can see amazing ways He's worked, and amazing ways He has changed me for the good.

Ok.... so there it is! *sigh* I am so glad He's carrying me out of that valley!

In my element

I just finished the Inca trail this week, and the hike was amazing! It has been a few years now since my last hike, and I forgot how much I love it! This time around, I got to see some beautiful Andes mountains and ruins in the whole trek, and the last day the trail ended at Machu Picchu. It was challenging, stretching, and often difficult or painful, but worth every bruise, cramp, strain on each step up etc.

There are 500 people on the trail daily, and I was often hiking in solitude, which was so great! It has always been a great time for me to think, pray, worship, and delight in God's creation. I think this hike was even more special to me as well because I don't get to get out into nature that often anymore.

It was a good time, and truly a highlight of my life!

A Thought

I don't know that there is an answer to this, but it stems from a conversation I had with my roommate this week on vacation..... One always hears the saying

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

but I've recently thought about this, in light of singleness, contentment, waiting on God, and interest from the opposite sex...

Which is better: to not have anyone interested in you (and the discontentment that can come with that) or to have had someone interested in you, get excited about it, and then them decide they aren't interested after all.

I've been in both places. Neither are "fun" per say. And in both, you need to fall at the foot of the cross, and truly wait on God, and trust that He's got your life in His hands along with your love story that He'll write when it is best. I think when He shows me a great guy, I take the pen from there, at least mentally, and that really isn't trusting HIm, or letting Him write.

Helpless Feeling

We are never helpless, although the feeling can often convince us otherwise. Often we think we can do more than we really can, and then are left feeling stuck or helpless..... For example, if a friend has a problem and there is absolutely nothing to do, even listening isn't an option for whatever reason, and most people say something along the lines of "All I can do is pray." THAT IS THE GREATEST THING TO DO!! It should be the first thing, but is often left as the last thing. (I am the guiltiest of all)

Two things recently happened and I was shaken up by them and left feeling helpless. I couldn't travel a few hours south of Lima to help with some of the disaster relief right after the quake hit. God had his gentle yet firm hand on me holding me back, and my boss did too. Then I learned that medical help wasn't as needed, so I felt a bit better, but I was still seeing pictures and videos of destruction and people's lives severely shaken up. I did pray and am continuing to do so, but I felt so helpless. I wanted to help right away, but couldn't. I was also recently talking on the phone to someone so dear to me, and they began to sob, and I've only seen them tear up once. I've never seen or heard them break down as they did. All I wanted to do was go to where they were to throw my arms around them and assure them of my love. But I could only do so by phone, being separated by 3000+/- miles. I felt so helpless. I felt left in limbo, unable to do what I wanted to do, be it a hug or presence.

I know in both cases I was not helpless, but was left with the strong desire to do more than I was able to do. In those moments, the Savior invites us to lay our burdens down, to breathe in His presence and His good will, and in laying our burdens down, submitting our petitions before the throne we are acting in the best way we possibly can. Yes there are often ways we can help, but only as we are led to.

We are never helpless, no matter what we think or feel. The Helper is always there for us and our problems.

On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand

...... all other ground is sinking sand..........

That song means so much more to me know. I am listening to Passion's version of that song as I write. I have known Christ to be my Solid Rock for so long, but it is so easy to put our hope in other things. Last week I was in the earthquake here in Peru, and though Lima was not as damaged as Ica, I had 2 long minutes of jello-like ground beneath me.

How often do I take for granted or put trust in even the ground beneath my feet? The ground beneath us seems so solid, so unmovable, so secure..... yet it isn't! We build our houses and our lives on it, but it cannot sustain us. There is only one Rock that is solid, and that is Christ.

I write this out of experience. Not only in situations where the ground beneath me is moving, but in things physically or emotionally are falling down all around me, has He been my Rock. I did not fear the quake as so many around me did. He is my stronghold. My life didn't end when my ministry did, when I've been dumped, or when I've felt forgotten...in fact my Rock held me together, He held me close, and He healed my wounds. I don't let Him take control of a lot of things in my life, but when I do, let me tell you..... it is SO extremely beautiful!!

He has changed my mourning into dancing!!

He has filled me with great JOY!!!

Sigh-lence

Silence.

Far from "bulla" ("boo ya"....spanish for noise).... The soft chirps of the birds on the path. The light sound of my feet as I run. Sometimes it is good that the batteries on my iPod die. Why do I always feel like I need to have music going? That was such a pleasant run.

The need for silence.

After a week of living with a wonderful family and their 4 young children, as well as a ministry opportunity of 2 guests they have with them, I relish more in the silent moments I've had here. (There aren't that many). But quietness is a good thing, even if for 5 minutes. (I've started rethinking how many kids I want.... or the distance between their ages).

Silence because of distance.

It is needed too. I am here, removed from so much back "home" (I still have a hard time answering people when they ask where home is...) Yet in these past 2 years, I think it has been a blessing for me to be removed from certain situations. (Especially since I've got plenty of my plate of drama here...I don't need too much more). I cherish my relationships, and so to be removed, or to have removed myself, I've had to set aside things that matter to me to pursue something that I've been called to. (hmmm... maybe my relationships have been a type of idol for me... I need to pray and ponder on that one a bit more).... Anyways, as time moved on in these years I realized that its not just that "I'm missing out on so much from back home", but also that those back home are missing out on so much that is going on here, my life. So many of my blessings here have been so rich and far from materialistic. I wish I could someday put into words what these years have meant to me here in Peru, that I could express with accuracy the depth of the experiences I've had, and I guess in some ways my heart breaks in that I know when I'm back "home" none of those closest to me will be able to truly understand, my stories will get old, and I fear that I'll be disappointed the day I realize it won't matter to most people anymore... they'll hear my stories with enthusiasm at first because they're interested and/or they love me, but with time........ (descresendo)......

Other chunks of silence has been good and healthy for me too right now. I hope its understood well that I needed this for my own heart to heal. Its never been in my mind a permanent situation, but it was/is something to prevent a torn heart with many questions or confusion on top of a healing heart. And I couldn't let myself hold on to some hope of which was offered. Too many questions are out there, and I couldn't pause that area of my life hoping for something upon my return. I had to press on ahead.. its not that there is a lack of a question mark of next year, there just is no anchor on the idea. I am really well (sometimes it surprises me, but I have to attribute that to the Lord). I don't ache. I even can talk to people about it and not feel a heavy heart. All of that doesn't mean I don't miss some things, but I am enjoying the time I've been given, and this, I believe, is another good reason to be removed from home. I'm here. Far away, for both our good right now. I am not bitter. I am not mad. I am not sad. There has been forgiveness made, and so there is no need to ask for such again. I hope and pray that the silence has been good for not only me. I hope the many thoughts and questions have been answered, or that the "bulla" has died down some. And if it is ever wondered how I am doing...Thanks for the compliment of the thought, and I am well.

Whether 5 minutes, or in a jog, or a few months without speaking to someone..... silence can be a good thing. It can be treasured. It can be a place of healing ~ be it a headache or a heartache. It always is a great place to meet with the Lord. Take a deep breath in and out..... a deep sigh.... and enjoy the silence.

Overload

I wonder if I've ever been as overloaded with such struggles as I am now. As a good friend recently shared with me, I am in the refiner's fire. Not a fun place to be, but eventually a rewarding place. When you ask God to expose your heart to you, be prepared!! I am called to love a certain person in my life, and want to, but almost daily struggle with truly loving them. In my interactions when them, and as I see their sin, I've asked God to show me mine, and let me tell ya.... its pretty ugly too. My selfishness and pride and their different layers have been exposed. Also another issue is although I'd like to think of myself as being pretty flexible, I think in these months/years of being here in Peru I've tried to have almost complete control of my schedule and plans. In some ways its good, but in other ways, it totally isn't falling at the foot of the cross and allowing much room for God to intervene. He does, but typically my response isn't as gracious as it should be. I need to learn again how to throw my plans to the wind every now and then. I like spontaneity, but I've realized that I like it on my terms. Whats that about? I don't like to change around my mental plans too much, and if I need to, I am momentarily ugly about it. Oh, it might not come out, but it is there at least internally.

It is a good thing to have your sins exposed to you, especially those that stay hidden, but its difficult too in that the flesh wants to go on pretending that it was never exposed or turn a "So what?" back to the issues, but the Spirit longs for the newly exposed sin to be changed.

I've also realized that there are some areas in my life that are lacking forgiveness. Whether it is me forgiving myself, someone, or a group of someones, I need to forgive. I am thinking of one situation, more than a year old, that I have worked through before, and forgiven those involved, but in the different levels of healing, I need to continue to forgive. Then in another situation, I am constantly working through forgiveness with them, and about as soon as I work it out in my heart before the Lord, I am injured by them again, and it rewounds me and reopens the former wound. So then I'm working through them both. And that process repeats itself. I am eager for the forgiveness to be worked through and given, knowing that it is what I am called to do, but knowing too that it is more for me than it is for others. I don't feel that I hold grudges, but I don't forget being hurt as easily as others might.

There is a lot on my pensive plate right now....

a quote

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable . . . The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers . . . of love is Hell."

~C.S. Lewis

Hmmm....

I came across this quote the other day. It makes you think! Well at least it made me think. In fact I still am thinking about it. Take a few and think about it! ;-)

Keep Singing

by Mercy Me
Undone 2004

Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Oh You're everything I need
And I gotta keep singing

.......................................................

This has been one of my favorite songs here in Peru. Just posting the lyrics doesn't do the song justice. You'd really need to listen to it. Anyways, it doesn't rain here in Lima much at all (an average of 1 inch a year). It mists more than anything.... but in the winters we have a thick blanket of clouds that cover the sky, making it always dim and grey. Every now and then the sun comes out, but it isn't that frequent. Lima is already a spiritually oppressive place, and add the dimness to it, and it can be a bit more discouraging place to be. Whats more is that the winter here and the blanket that blocks the sun sticks around for about 6 months of the year.

Things here in and of themselves aren't always easy. There are clashes with the language, with the culture, with ministry.....etc. Sometimes I think the problems here may be magnified just for the daily clashes with culture etc. of being a missionary. So things may not be easy here in and of themselves, then when you add in other worries or concerns from back home, family, friends, future, etc... things are just plain rough sometimes. This song has been so encouraging to me. I know that there is nothing else to do but to fall at the feet of my Savior when things go south, when my heart aches, when I do want to escape or when I think I won't make it through. We have to just keep going, clinging onto Him, and praising Him..... He is where we find healing.

I went on a vacation to clear my mind, but I ended up filling it up even more. The busy-ness of my daily life kept a lot of thoughts from filling my mind that I didn't realize were in me. Now after a few days away, I think I'm even more messed up than I was before I left for my vacation. Its 3:10 AM right now as I write, and after tossing and turning (again) I decided to do a little blogging, hoping to get more thoughts out where I could maybe sleep. I'm listening to my "Need the Lord" mix on iTunes right now, for obvious reasons.

I feel stuck. Well, maybe not stuck. I feel like I'm floating in limbo. About Peru, I ache to think of when I have to leave next year, yet I don't feel the Lords call for me to stay longer. In going home, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what is coming next. I've decided that I will need some emotional support while I transition back in the states, but I don't know where that will be. In seeing how the first 6 months of this year have flown by, I know that the next 6 months will as well, and I don't want it to be slow or to be too fast. It'll probably be both of those at some point.

About the relationship I recently lost (obviously splattered on this blog), I truly have had a lot of peace about it, and I'm not sure what has recently occured, whether one thing or a combination of being sick, sleep deprived, away on vacation and left with my thoughts or whatever, but it has been a harder struggle in these days. Its almost been a month. My mind knows all the reasons why this is a good thing, but my heart is like "WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!?!".

I don't want to scare myself out of loving again, but I do want to save myself from being hurt again. Will my whole life be of just giving of myself? Will there ever come just one that will give to me as much as I give out? My cup is dry while my cheeks are wet. I know its never a good thing to wish time away, we shouldn't expect just high times from the Lord, but I found myself praying that He'd hurry the healing process. What could I possibly learn in this time period? I know to trust Him more would be a great lesson, but I wonder if I could grasp on any stronger to Him at the same time.

I've got great friends surrounding me here, and even more back in the States, but I feel so lonely right now. Maybe for lack of knowing what to do or say I haven't heard from some closest to me back home that I thought I would have. One told me at one point for me to call so that they could encourage me. Does the broken hearted make the move to be encouraged? Maybe i'm just writing like a crazy person now. I guess in my current state that idea sounds a bit off to me: "Hello, yes, I was calling for encouragement. Please in your pity cheer me up." Who does that? Yet, in needing something, thats what I've done. I know I'm not forgotten here in Peru from those back home, but in these hours, days, weeks.... I feel even more forgotten.

Instead of resting, I'm wigging out. Instead of praying, I'm playing. Instead of walking, I'm collapsing.

........ instead of counting sheep, I'm typing on my blog.................

Two Loves-Both Lost

Two loves,
Both lost
One tangible and visible
The other too far away
One a calling a few years back
The other stopped calling
One involving many
The other involving few
One with many hearts broken
The other breaking only mine

Two loves,
A heart broken twice
One of spreading hope
The other of shattering mine
One restricted by time
The other scared of time
One with a vision
The other of my blindness
One in a different language
The other not understanding mine
One with simple thoughts
The other overanalyzing

Two loves,
Both different
Both breaking my heart
For different purposes
The redemption of such
And the healing
Comes only from
My first Love
The one Love never lost

Of Ministry or Love?

My mind knows the reasons
Yet my heart still questions why
What'd meant so much for so long
Suddenly cannot mean a thing
My reasoning weighs more than my hope
Yet I find myself hoping all the same
Why? Maybe for the ease
To not loose what was invested?
Or of fear to invest again?
Maybe that is the reason
Granted, it still burns-
Not of anger, but of pain
It was worth it to me
No matter how hard it got
But no two people think the same
And so I can't put that off on another

Even though my mind knows the truth
My heart still questions my worth
I know in where my value lies
And from where comes purpose and meaning
Somewhere comes a voice negating
All that I know to be true
My insecure heart so often
Believes the lies that he feeds me

And until my mind convinces my heart
Its believable that I'm not worth much
Or that my work is of no value
Or that I won't love or be loved again
Or that my one chance just passed by



Free me from the lies my wounded heart
So easily agrees with

Free me from the questions my mind
Already has answers to

Free me from myself and bring me closer to you

In breaking me
You put me back together
STRONGER

In Your refining fire
You make me more pure &
POLISHED

In holding me
You make sure I know I'm
LOVED

In giving me trials
You desire me to become
BETTER

In taking all away
You will replace it all with
MORE

In all of this
You want me to come to
YOU

Why another blog?

This idea occured to me about an hour ago, to have a separate blogsite, as I have one already, more relating to my experiences here in Peru as a short term missionary. There is a lot going on right now in my life, in some ways all is crashing down around me, and traditionally when these types of rough times have come in my life, I've taken to writing.... so here's to expressing thoughts. I'm on a bit of a vacation right now, and would really like to be sleeping, but my mind has been racing, so this was one of the things I decided to do to maybe ease my mind a bit.

I don't know what may be spilled out onto this site from the ocean of my mind, but whether low or high, with an upbeat note or a complete downer, I hope that like the psalmist I will be able to bring things back in alignment with what really matters in life. Thus the reason why I set this blog site as beccasjoy . I have only one Joy. The joy in my heart comes from only one Source, and I never want to forget Him or set Him aside in my good and bad times.