Tuesday, April 1, 2008

The Humbling Truth... I am loved

I have for a long time not doubted my Father's love for me, for it is the most pure, and I have His word full of His promises. I need not to seek validation from any other source, because His love alone and who He is validates me. But yea, my flesh longs to be validated, seeks to measure up some how. What a fight. 

If there is one thing that I humbly saw in my last days in Peru and my first days back in the States, is that I am loved, not only by my awesome God, but by my sweet family and friends. Tears, hugs, letters, notes, phone calls, texts, emails, and simple presence of others has shown me, that truthfully if I ever doubted that others loved me, those doubts would be destroyed instantly by how much love was shown to me by those I left behind in Peru and by those who greeted me here in the States.

In fact, I wish that everyone could have the experience of having some time away to meet new people, have them love you, and leave them to come back to people who have missed you so that they can also express their love for you. I write this humbly, because I don't deserve it, but am so blessed by it. I know that I am loved, and that is a nice thing to know.

Now on that theme, there is a side note that for a long time I have wanted to spill out of my brain onto paper or onto this blog, but it hasn't made it there or here until now. There was one time in my life that I loved someone and he loved me, and though that was a phase in our lives and I hope God has healed him as He has me, but a comment was made to me during that phase of my life by one of my Peruvian friends. He said to me (translated of course), "There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who is in love. It is obvious when she is loved."

I have thought about that since then and have asked myself, if that is true.... why is it not obvious on my face or in my eyes (or whatever it was that my friend saw it), everyday, when I am loved so much and unconditionally by my Father it should be obvious in my face. It also should be obvious that I love Him..... but I fear that it often isn't, and that if love between frail and sinful people can show up on my face, I sure hope that the love that my Father has for me and my attempt to be in love with Him shows up on my face too. 

Thoughts on a song

Obviously music is important to me, and I am touched by a lot of songs and lyrics. Here is one, that most recently touched me upon my return to the States and leaving dear friends behind in Peru.
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Here's My Life    by Barlowgirl

Once again I said my goodbyes  
To those I love most
My heart feels that familiar pain
As I long for home

‘Cause this road is hard
When I feel so far

God I’m crying out tonight
‘Cause I’ve given you my life
But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind
So once more here’s my life

On the day that you’ve called my name
All that I knew changed
I found when I said yes that I’d never be the same

Though the call is hard
You are worth it all

God I’m crying out tonight
‘Cause I’ve given you my life
But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind
So once more

Even when the tears are falling
When I find I fear the calling
You remind me
Words you’ve spoken over my life
Promises I’ve yet to see
You comfort me

God I’m crying out tonight
‘Cause I’ve given you my life
But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind
So once more

God I’m crying out tonight
‘Cause I’ve given you my life
But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind
So once more here’s my life
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I can relate to most of these lyrics... saying goodbye is a hard thing, and when I left Peru, I ended up doing it twice because my flight wasn't able to take off. But it was a hard, yet beautiful thing in saying goodbye.  In this transition, I am mentally and emotionally tired, and often missing what is behind, but I also acknowledge that great things can be ahead. 

But what I don't agree with in these lyrics for my life, is that the promises that the Lord has given me, I have seen them, and I have seen Him time after time fulfill His promises and He is always faithful. 

He  IS  always worth it all, and my life is always HIS, whether I acknowledge it or not. As my pastor said this past week after a power surge at the church affecting worship, "Control is an illusion". Do we really have any control? No. But we sure do think we do, and even if we acknowledge that we don't, we sure like to live with the appearance that we do. God has full control, and how often do we want to submit to that control? I have seen so often that His way is always best. So even in the low times that I may have, I have this underlying hope and joy that He has given me, and I am eager to see what He has around the corner.