Overload

I wonder if I've ever been as overloaded with such struggles as I am now. As a good friend recently shared with me, I am in the refiner's fire. Not a fun place to be, but eventually a rewarding place. When you ask God to expose your heart to you, be prepared!! I am called to love a certain person in my life, and want to, but almost daily struggle with truly loving them. In my interactions when them, and as I see their sin, I've asked God to show me mine, and let me tell ya.... its pretty ugly too. My selfishness and pride and their different layers have been exposed. Also another issue is although I'd like to think of myself as being pretty flexible, I think in these months/years of being here in Peru I've tried to have almost complete control of my schedule and plans. In some ways its good, but in other ways, it totally isn't falling at the foot of the cross and allowing much room for God to intervene. He does, but typically my response isn't as gracious as it should be. I need to learn again how to throw my plans to the wind every now and then. I like spontaneity, but I've realized that I like it on my terms. Whats that about? I don't like to change around my mental plans too much, and if I need to, I am momentarily ugly about it. Oh, it might not come out, but it is there at least internally.

It is a good thing to have your sins exposed to you, especially those that stay hidden, but its difficult too in that the flesh wants to go on pretending that it was never exposed or turn a "So what?" back to the issues, but the Spirit longs for the newly exposed sin to be changed.

I've also realized that there are some areas in my life that are lacking forgiveness. Whether it is me forgiving myself, someone, or a group of someones, I need to forgive. I am thinking of one situation, more than a year old, that I have worked through before, and forgiven those involved, but in the different levels of healing, I need to continue to forgive. Then in another situation, I am constantly working through forgiveness with them, and about as soon as I work it out in my heart before the Lord, I am injured by them again, and it rewounds me and reopens the former wound. So then I'm working through them both. And that process repeats itself. I am eager for the forgiveness to be worked through and given, knowing that it is what I am called to do, but knowing too that it is more for me than it is for others. I don't feel that I hold grudges, but I don't forget being hurt as easily as others might.

There is a lot on my pensive plate right now....