I went on a vacation to clear my mind, but I ended up filling it up even more. The busy-ness of my daily life kept a lot of thoughts from filling my mind that I didn't realize were in me. Now after a few days away, I think I'm even more messed up than I was before I left for my vacation. Its 3:10 AM right now as I write, and after tossing and turning (again) I decided to do a little blogging, hoping to get more thoughts out where I could maybe sleep. I'm listening to my "Need the Lord" mix on iTunes right now, for obvious reasons.

I feel stuck. Well, maybe not stuck. I feel like I'm floating in limbo. About Peru, I ache to think of when I have to leave next year, yet I don't feel the Lords call for me to stay longer. In going home, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what is coming next. I've decided that I will need some emotional support while I transition back in the states, but I don't know where that will be. In seeing how the first 6 months of this year have flown by, I know that the next 6 months will as well, and I don't want it to be slow or to be too fast. It'll probably be both of those at some point.

About the relationship I recently lost (obviously splattered on this blog), I truly have had a lot of peace about it, and I'm not sure what has recently occured, whether one thing or a combination of being sick, sleep deprived, away on vacation and left with my thoughts or whatever, but it has been a harder struggle in these days. Its almost been a month. My mind knows all the reasons why this is a good thing, but my heart is like "WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!?!".

I don't want to scare myself out of loving again, but I do want to save myself from being hurt again. Will my whole life be of just giving of myself? Will there ever come just one that will give to me as much as I give out? My cup is dry while my cheeks are wet. I know its never a good thing to wish time away, we shouldn't expect just high times from the Lord, but I found myself praying that He'd hurry the healing process. What could I possibly learn in this time period? I know to trust Him more would be a great lesson, but I wonder if I could grasp on any stronger to Him at the same time.

I've got great friends surrounding me here, and even more back in the States, but I feel so lonely right now. Maybe for lack of knowing what to do or say I haven't heard from some closest to me back home that I thought I would have. One told me at one point for me to call so that they could encourage me. Does the broken hearted make the move to be encouraged? Maybe i'm just writing like a crazy person now. I guess in my current state that idea sounds a bit off to me: "Hello, yes, I was calling for encouragement. Please in your pity cheer me up." Who does that? Yet, in needing something, thats what I've done. I know I'm not forgotten here in Peru from those back home, but in these hours, days, weeks.... I feel even more forgotten.

Instead of resting, I'm wigging out. Instead of praying, I'm playing. Instead of walking, I'm collapsing.

........ instead of counting sheep, I'm typing on my blog.................