Be Addicted to Him

I recently had to get some files recovered from an external harddrive which was failing. I thought I'd lost close to 100gb of videos, pictures, documents and other important items to me, mainly from my years in Peru. A genius friend of mine was able to get most of the files back for me, and I was just sorting through them. In a folder I'd placed somewhere hard to get to, were some memories from a serious relationship in my past. I laughed when I saw it and decided it was ok to delete those memories. However in that folder was a small document he had challenged me to write, and I thought I'd save that one from the trash bin. My own words from my past encouraged me, so I thought I'd post it here. So here is "Be Addicted to Him".

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I was raised in the church, as a PK (preacher's kid) of all things. But it wasn’t until I was 22 when I went on my first mission trip. For those who have been on a mission trip before to a 3^rd world country, close your eyes with me and relive the memories. For those who haven’t, close your eyes, and take a trip with me to a 3^rd world country. For my experience, we’ll go to Lima, Peru. You look around with me and see a city, smoggy, like many large cities, grey and overcast due to its climate, and located in a dusty, dirty desert. Take a deep breath with me, and you will smell trash of all kinds; human and animal waste, fresh and old; exhaust from old wearing down cars, trucks, and buses. If you were to take a Kleenex with me right now, and wipe slightly the inside of your nose, you’d be discusted to see a black film on the tissue. Now I challenge you to open your heart with me. See the old man begging on the street with his trembling hand. See the impoverished little Indian woman in rags selling her handmade goods. See the little child on the street selling candy midday to help his family buy bread instead of going to school. Open your heart a bit more with me. Most of these people do not know about our Savior, and believe in the traditional praying to their saints (who I can guarantee don’t answer their petitions) and doing good works in order to get to heaven. If they continue with those beliefs, where are they going?

I have now been on the mission field for over a year. I have learned so much, yet not enough. Without Christ, I am just as lost as the drunk man on the sidewalk, or the man down my street stoned and shouting as he paces by my house. God has shown me His intense faithfulness in my time here. I get overwhelmed, if not on a daily basis, a weekly basis, by the extreme need that surrounds me. I am unable to meet all the needs. I am unable to sit down and talk to the 9 million people that live in the Lima area, to share with them of my faithful Lord. He doesn’t ask that much of me, and only gives me what I can handle. The mission field has brought out much more of my sin, some which is culturally innate, that I brought with me from the good US of A, and I’ve had to work through my ideas differently than I would back home. Yet, if I am a Christian, where is “home”? It isn’t in the USA, its in heaven, and when I suffer from homesickness here, it usually is more longing for my true home. Life is not as comfortable here, as it might be back in the States, but as a Christian, we are not called to live in comfort. We are, however called to know Him and to make Him known. How much do you know Him? How much have you made Him known?

Follow God to places out of your comfort zone, whether a mission trip, the mission field, sharing the gospel with your coworker, helping in the nursery, or whatever, and do it in His grace. I can’t even begin to tell you how faithful He is and how much His grace and peace will surround you if you let Him take you to those “uncomfort” zones. And how you will be blessed! Trust me, “once you pop” of His faithfulness, “you can’t stop!” One taste of His faithfulness and grace in situations unfamiliar, you will be addicted. Of all addictions, His unending grace, His unconditional love, and His unmatchable faithfulness, and all other characteristics that make up our Lord, He is the best addiction! Long for Him. Ache for Him to fill you. Be addicted to Him!

Broken

“Every difficult relationship is ordained by God to expose our need for Christ. We must be more broken about our sin than frustrated by others.”

Dr. Bob Flayhart, pastor Oak Mountain Presbyterian

About a month ago I prayed that the Lord would expose more of my sin to me. I know that is a prayer that will result in some uneasy times, but I was tired of coasting through some of my life this year acknowledging general sin, but not specific sin. A situation arose a few weeks ago at work with a coworker that frustrated me greatly, and while it frustrated me pretty much the entire week, it also revealed my pride and critical self. So then I had two things weighing on me: My great frustration with my coworker that was impossible to ignore and would render a huge defensive attack if mentioned, and seeing my nasty ugly sin in the whole situation. What an answer to prayer!!! =)

Hey…. I got what I asked for didn’t I?

That week the situation came to a confrontation of sorts on no less than Sunday morning. I was already broken, praying and working on my heart and attitude from the whole week. After confronting her after she snapped at me, I knew I needed to get out of the environment, after doing what I could to “stay at peace”. The whole drive home and to church I listened to Laura Story, and repeated “Make Something Beautiful” and “There is Nothing” which I greatly needed for confession and preparing to worship.

Here are a few of the lyrics from There is Nothing:

Lord I come before You,
To honor and adore You,


For who You are and all that You have done, 


Lord I am not worthy,
My heart is dark and dirty


Still somehow You bid for me to come

So clothe me in humility, 
Remind me, that I come before a King

And there is nothing,
There is nothing,
More precious, more worthy,


May I gaze deeper, 
May I stand longer


May I press onward to know You Lord


So I go to church that morning, broken of myself, which is a bittersweet thing, and come to find that the sermon that day was about work…from good work ethics to coworkers. It was what I had been preaching to myself already that week and being broken of, but was good for me to not preach it to myself, but to hear it instead.

The chorus from another Laura Story song, Make Something Beautful became my prayer:

Take all of my life, all of my life,
And make something beautiful.


I open my hand, trusting Your plan.
Make something beautiful

so all will see
Your work in me, as You make something beautiful

HIS WORK IN ME.....its nothing of myself. I can't change myself. I can be motivated, but when it comes down to it I can't throw off my sinful self. All I can do is run to Him. Because of Christ, He turns these dirty nasty ugly rags of my life and cleans them. What great hope that is!

And even now, a few weeks later, I have even more exposed sin in my life, but I can only hope in Him to change me and to make something beautiful!

A Broken Label

Indications: Take the following if you need to be exposed to more of your sin and be broken of yourself.

Warning: Praying to be broken and have more unnoticed sin in your life be exposed leads to seeing yourself not “not as bad as you thought” rather A LOT WORSE than you thought you were.

Contraindications: Do not pray this if you don’t really want to be changed by the God or have legalistic mindset thinking you alone can work your way out of your sin problem or go through a check-list to be “better”.

Directions: Pray to see more of your sin. Let God show you your sin. Do not be despaired and weighed down with the sin that the Lord shows you, rather realize that you can only be changed by Him, and that He who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion (Phil 1:6).

Lessons from Blackout Curtains: #2

What is the point of blackout curtains? "Obvious", you say, "to block out the light." I was thinking the other day, in light of a few dark weeks I've had (ha... I just noticed what I wrote!)...that in life a lot of times when things are "dark" I don't want to let the Light of the world in. Now in my room, even if I close the curtains and my world is dark, that doesn't mean that the light isn't on the other side of the curtains. The light still exists, even if it goes unacknowledged by me. And truthfully, with the style of curtains I hung in my room, some light does get in around the edges, so really, I can't get away from it. So goes the same in my life spiritually...

When I want to pull away, draw the curtains to close all around me, the Light still is there, whether I acknowledge Him or not. He is still pouring His light into my world around the edges of my blackout curtains, when I selfishly block Him and other lights out, retreating to my cave. And to what good?

The thing with working nights is that I am awake during the darkest hours, and asleep during the brightest hours. I might see light for a couple hours if I am lucky. But how much more grateful I am on my 7 off where I can spend a lot of time out in the light, and I don't take it as much for granted. Its that much more special to me. That relates too with my recent low and "dark" days.... I am so much more grateful for the Light, even when I tried to block Him out, and am trying not to take Him for granted. He's that much more special to me, after brightening my dark days.

Lessons From Blackout Curtains: #1

Since I work on the night shift during my work week, I have been planning for a while to make some blackout curtains to make sleeping during the day easier. (Now if I could just organize that better with the construction crews behind my house.) So in December when I was visiting my fam in St. Louis, I mentioned my desire and vision for my curtains to my sister-in-law, who is a creative genius. We went fabric shopping and I found the perfect color fabric and black-out material to go with it. Though it totaled to be more than I was expecting, buying it was good for me because if I invest in a project, I am more likely to follow-through with it. Several weeks went by...holidays, a trip to Peru, and a few other miscellaneous issues.... and finally a few weeks ago, I took out time for my project.

Let me preface the part of the story where I sewed. The last time I sat in front of a sewing machine was about 13-14 years ago, the year after I took home ec (now called "Family and Consumer Sciences" I believe), so my sewing skills were rusty to say the least. I faced many challenges....and with those, I ended up calling everyone I knew who sewed, even posting on my facebook wall that I needed help. Many were able to talk over the phone, but not being there over my shoulder to walk me through and troubleshoot the machine, it still was a frustrating task. I even consulted YouTube, which helped some, but by the end of the night, when I thought I had it all set-up right, I sewed a few inches and SNAP! The needle broke. The only sewing needle I had.

The next day I got new needles and attempted to conquer this machine again. I found the instruction manual, and within a few minutes, I was sewing. There is a manual for many good reasons! It was so much easier than the night before when a few choice words I spoke out of frustration echoed in my house.

I sewed away, and the hems of these curtains are not even, the lines are not straight, and though I wasn't being a perfectionist with this project, I was still excited and proud of my creation. As I was sewing and thinking about all the frustrations I had, and how imperfect the hems were being sewn, I couldn't help but think of my favorite Psalm, and these verses came to mind:

Psalm 139

5-You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

13-For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14- I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

15-My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16a-your eyes saw my unformed body.

It made me think of myself as God's creation, and how He was not frustrated like I was. He didn't break any sewing needles, nor did He need to call anyone for help or consult any manuals. And even if a few hems of me were off and uneven, I am just as He wanted me to be, He is still proud of me and excited about me because I am HIS! I am His creation and He delights in me. As I see my curtains hanging now, it seems like they were always there, they just fit in well in my room, they belong there. He has me here, now where He wants me, where I belong.

Breath of Heaven

One of my other favorite Christmas songs, this one written from Mary's point of view. I've posted all the lyrics below, but one particular part of this song is one of my current prayers for myself:

".....But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan....."

How often do I long to see my plan take place? How much of my own energy do I put into offering all I am for what I want to see happen? Yet in the past, when I have offered myself to His plan, its always been for my best, and though some of those times have been hard, they were so full of blessings. To truly offer all I am, I need God's grace to help me out of myself. Just as this song shows Mary's need for His strength and His presence, I need that too!



All the lyrics:

Breath of Heaven
I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And I wonder what I've done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place,
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

Born to Die

I love the Christmas season, and especially Christmas music. This is one of my new favorites, just giving a little glimpse of Christ leaving His glory in heaven and arriving in a humble state.


Born to Die
by Bebo Norman

They never knew a dark night
always had the Son's light
on their face
Perfect in glory
Broken by the story
of untold grace...
come that day

Majesty had come down
Glory had succumed now
to flesh and bone
In the arms of a manger
In the hands of strangers
that could not know
Just who they hold

Chorus:
And the angels filled the sky
All of heaven wondered why
Why their King would choose to be
Be a baby born to die

And all fell silent
For the cry of an infant,
the voice of God
Was dividing history
For those with eyes to see,
the Son would shine
From earth that night

Chorus

Bridge:
To break the chains
Of guilt and sin
To find us here
To pull us in
So we can join in Heaven's song
And with one voice around the throne

Chorus:
All the Angels filled the sky
And I can't help but wonder why
Why the King would choose to be
Be a baby born for me
Be a baby born to die

Life is TOO Precious

I am at work right now. My thoughts are scattered, and I am typing this looking through teary eyes.

I just helped in a code.....and in the end a 5 year old boy passed away.

He wasn't my patient, but I just helped in documenting the code as it took place. The team fought, and fought hard for his life. When things were not improving mom and dad came in to be with him until the end. Mom was singing "it is well with my soul" and praying aloud for God's glory in this and for those of us in the room.

I held the tears back at this point. When I got back to my patients in "the cube" (babies whose parents can't stay with them)....I held one of my babies and rocked her as I cried. She slept while I rocked, but at one point she stretched her arm and her hand rested on my face. (I lost it again).

Life is too precious. We can't take it for granted.

Thanksgiving at Children's Hospital

Its my first stateside Thanksgiving in 4 years. Earlier in the week I was kinda bummed about that thought and that I wouldn't see any family today....maybe I have gotten used to the idea and don't have such a "woe is me attitude", or maybe the Lord did a work in my heart and changed my outlook. I am taking care of some babies right now that started off life with a rough go of it, healthwise and family wise. I found myself rocking 3 of them tonight, praying for them, knowing that their family wasn't going to see them on Thanksgiving, and being thankful for the opportunity to love them and care for them. I thought of the one little boy abandoned by both parents....My Father will never leave or forsake me. I thought of the other little boy whose mother died shortly after he was born....My Father sent His Son who died to give me life.

There is so much to be thankful for.

I have been studying Colossians, and I wrote a verse on an index card and have been carrying it around with me tonight. The card is quite bent now, but I read it when I get a chance.

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these things put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:12-17

There is so much in those 5 verses that I need God's help with....but today I want to focus on the bold words, relishing in an amazing God who has given me way beyond what I deserve and blessed me in more ways than I could've asked or imagined. I find that in these rare times when I can sit and ponder what I can be thankful for, I am able to clothe myself better with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, and forgiveness. It still isn't easy, but it helps get things in perspective. I should be more thankful more often.

A New Idol

It came to mind during the sermon on Sunday, a new idol I have been carrying around. Something that has been consuming my thoughts, something that I have even been praying about, and not that the "thing" is a bad thing, its actually a blessing....but have I been thinking about it, joking around about it, and letting it consume me too much. I hadn't really thought of it as an idol. But Sunday it dawned on me that it has been, and that my focus needs to be elseware in life..aka ON CHRIST. So, only by God's grace, definetly not in my own strength, can I step forward and leave this idol behind.

Fighting the Funk

I feel a funk coming on, and one part of me wants to fight it, the other part of me wants to wallow in it. Could it be because Thanksgiving is this week and its my first one in the states in 4 years, and I will not be spending it with family, rather working? Thats probably part of the funk, but the main reason would probably be that my times with the Lord lately are only to "tread water" spiritually. I tend to see my funks come in the times in my life when I am being legalistic about my me-and-God times, and really not going deep.

I want to wallow in this muck, feeling blah and not wanting to change my attitude. I want to withdraw, and this week may help that in that many of my friends are out of town. But really? What good does any of that do? How does that portray Christ?

So I must REPENT, BELIEVE, and FIGHT. I am trying to fight off this funk. I am trying to call myself into check. And I am probably putting on a mask with a smile on it in the process.

Main ingredient: Love

My ingredient: Frustration

My dearest friends in Peru always say when they share a meal with others that the main ingredient that is put into the meal is love. 

I served a different type of Peruvian meal tonight.... pouring in 50% love and 50% frustration. 

I truly do enjoy cooking, especially for others, and I really love sharing things from Peru with others...so a few weeks ago, I signed up to bring dinner for life group, with the intention of making a Peruvian meal. All the ingredients in Peruvian meals are fresh, you make everything from scratch, which is more delicious, but more work. (I think the next time I sign up I'm bringing Stouffer's). 

It was our last life group meeting, and 2 life groups were coming together. I overestimated 40 people, preferring to bring too much than not enough,  and not knowing who all was out of town. Anyways, so Friday I got all the ingredients (excluding one that I had frozen from Peru), and should have budgetted better.

So Saturday I started prepping stuff... I made the dessert, and got other things prepared that would help things go faster today. My roommate helped me out some too.

So Sunday, after meeting with my small group of girls, I rushed home to get things moving, only having a little over 4 hours to have everything ready. Enough time, right? I began cooking the chicken, then my roommate came home and I was able to delegate some important chopping. Things were moving, but there was still a lot to be done. One friend came over to fix our outside porch light, and ended up helping us more, another friend dropped by for a little as well to help. All looked well, it seemed like we were going to get it all done and make it in time for life group. I was hoping to make it there with everything ready, so I could also sit in and participate in the meeting. It was going well until the pot with the rice, a very essential part of this "chicken with rice" meal started to let out a thick white smoke. Long story short, 3 pounds of half-way cooked rice with peas, carrots, and red peppers (previously chopped) along with the green mixture of cilantro, spinach, beer, and garlic (that was simmering in the rice) was ALL RUINED!!! We still had another pound of rice cooking in another pot, but that wasn't going to feed everyone! 

We got everything else ready to go, my roommate ran to the store, and picked up some essential items to remake some rice at the Branch's (where we meet for lifegroup). I took a look at the other pot of rice that I had cooking. Pot #2 ALL RUINED!!!!!  I rushed on over to lifegroupt to get started. The second batch of the rice, that we'd end up eating was not what it should have been, but there was no more time to make it right, only time to make it, a small taste of what it could be.

The positive: no one there had eaten this Peruvian dish, they wouldn't know differently.

The negative: I would

I was very frustrated.... several times I had to hold back the tears. On my way over to the Branch's, I thought about what God could be teaching me. Probably not to be so perfectionistic, also to remind me I wasn't in control, and probably another lesson of letting things go. 

Oh if only I had. Not only were Pots# 1 & 2 ruined, but so was my mood and mindset for the rest of the night. I have felt a funk coming on anyways, this just helped it spiral on down. I stayed late and attempted being social, but was so brainblocked by the 2 long days spent in the kitchen on a meal that came out to me only half what it could've been. 

As I cleaned the monstrous mess in the kitchen when I got back home, I thought of how the rice parallels creation. In the first pots were the ingredients for the right recipe, then it became ruined, and the following pot of rice served was only a taste, a glimpse of something that resembled what it should be like. The beauty that we do have here on earth is only a glimpse of something that resembles the new creation, what awaits us in eternity. (where rice is NEVER ruined!)  ;-) 

Daylight Savings... and other pros and cons with nightshift

For a while now I have thought about posting some pros and cons about working night shift. Right now I am at work, and we have just observed Daylight Savings time, and I get to work one extra hour tonight. I hadn't really thought about that in working nights, but at least I get one hour extra of pay (which will happen to be time and a half) and if things get busy I will have one extra hour to get things done. (I am trying to think positively because I really don't want to be here right now!)

Here are some other pros and cons to working nights (with some help from the girls I work with):

Pros....
-Being able to go to church every week (here at my job we have to work every other weekend)
-Higher pay
-Going to Wal-mart after getting off work in the morning: easy parking, short lines
-When I leave work in the morning and the sun is rising, I've already put my full day's work in.
- Opposite traffic flow when I get off.
-Getting off in the morning with a fresh feeling from the morning air.
-When I work holidays, I don't miss out on the daytime holiday activities
-The amazing girls that I work with and the teamwork that we have!!
- Not having to put up with A LOT of people throughout the day
- Being able to blog at night when the night is slower. ;-), and read other blogs
- Having appointments that I don't have to miss work for

Cons....
-When we have to wake patients up
-Sleep schedule
-Construction behind my house while I am sleeping throughout the day
-Daylight Savings
-People not understanding we sleep during the day....they aren't naps...OR they are amazed that we are still functioning well later on after our shift (when it may only be "eveningtime" in my sleep schedule)


..... I will note though, if it weren't for my schedule being 7on 7off (working 7days getting off 7 days) I probably wouldn't work nights....but this allows me to be "normal" during my off week.

November 4

Election Day is around the corner, and well, honestly I am not one who jumps into politics nor do I keep up with things there well, but I have done a bit more this time around to make a more informed decision.

This election reminds me of the election in Peru a few years ago between Ollanta Humala and Alan Garcia. The first who is "chummy" with Chavez and comes from a terrorist background to the second who destroyed Peru's economy when he was president in the 80s. Many Peruvians shared with me that their choice was like choosing between AIDS or cancer...voting for the lesser of 2 evils.

Is there a need for change? Yes. But the only One who can bring real change is Christ, not one man. And even there were a "lesser of 2 evils" and I were to vote for him, the other candidate may win. Regardless who takes the role of our president, the man needs our prayers; God in His sovereignty has ordained who will take that roll (not that I shouldn't vote); and even if I am unhappy with the results, Nebuchadnezzar ruled Babylon, though "evil", God allowed it, and God humbled him too.

No matter who wins on November 4, Obama or McCain, only Christ can change this country, the war, the economy...~> US.

Trusting Him for Them

As much as I would love to come to the rescue, I can only do so much, and that little bit that I can do seems so small for the burden I have for them. I have given and want to do more, but to what point? How much is enough..is there a "too much"? What is He trying to teach them, and would I be a hinderance to that if I took up my hypothetical cape and flew to the rescue. They are His. He is their Father who will provide for their needs. He doesn't need my cape, He already has them tucked under His wings.

Maybe He does want to use me, maybe He does want me to be closer to help, maybe He wants me to stay here and help from afar.

The tendency of my heart is to jump in and help, but how much of that is my desire to serve and my love for them vs. my issue with loss of control?

Even if I weren't able to help out in any way at all.... They still are His.

Maybe He just wants me to trust Him for them.

Enough is Enough

While I was in Boston, my friends and I prayed together about some things in our lives and where we are, jobs....families....etc. My dear friend, so burdened at one point in her prayer with my state of singleness (I think I might be more content about my situation than she is for me) prayed with tears and at one point even said "Enough is enough God!" and I couldn't help but laugh while we were praying. Later her boldness struck me as interesting. I don't know that I could say that to God about myself........but how often does the core of me think it, about any issue, even if I do not have the boldness to say it?

Reverse Culture Shock

So I have been back in the states now for over 8 months. Its crazy to think that, but time truly has gone by quickly. I feel that overall my transition has been good and smooth. I only had a few rough weeks in the beginning, but since then I rested in the fact that I know I am called to be here for now, and acknowledged that it is ok to separate in my mind how different life in Peru is to life here in the States.

So after my visit back to Peru this past September, about 6 months after leaving Peru, I would have imagined at least a little reverse culture shock. The weird thing is that while in Peru I was semi-eager to get back here. The weirder thing is, last week after visiting my dear friend in Boston I had a HARD time adjusting to being back here and was questioning where I am to be.

Backing up..... as a nurse there are many opportunities in many places to work, and I have always toyed with the idea of travel nursing. But, I need community and people I know nearby, and I wouldn't take an assignment to a place where I don't know anyone.

I LOVED Boston.

I loved it when I went there with my family 13ish years ago, and I loved it even more this time around. I could TOTALLY live there. I also have family and many friends from working camp at Ridge Haven that are out in St. Louis. That would be a great destination too!

One of the biggest reasons for considering this is for finances. My hope and plan (which is often changed by One who knows best) is to be debt free by 30. I am also burdened to help some dear people to me out financially as well and would be able to "do more" if I made more.

The shock hit after the trip probably for several reasons. I came back from Boston with my new car waiting for me. And honestly for the first few days I really wasn't enjoying it much. It wasn't buyers remorse, because I'd done the research, saved a good chunk of money, and know this is logically a great decision. Taking on a new loan and a new (used) car is stressful, but finally got to where I can look at the HUGE blessing the car is that I have, that I DON'T deserve at all, but in all logical reasons is what I need right now. Balancing me having this nice car with what I was used to in Peru, and the 2 mindsets between these 2 countries, was part of my initial problem. It isn't a necessity to have a car in Peru, there is enough public transportation and taxis to get you anywhere, but it is a necessity here to have a reliable mode of transportation. If my dearest friends in Peru were to see this car of mine that I have, I don't believe they would understand well. Then on another aspect, being able to pay for this right now when some close to me are really struggling financially, I guess I also felt guilty for having this as well.

Then if I were to leave, it would be hard and take longer to find good community as I already have here. Last Sunday night (in the midst of this shock) I teared up several times at life group thinking of the possibility of leaving my group at OMPC (even though there are many I am still getting to know).

I came back from Boston and kept all these building thoughts of "I don't know where God wants me!!!!!" inside and they kept building up for several days before I could talk to someone and let it all out. But once I did, it didn't seem like such a big issue after all (though it was HUGE in my mind), and was so good to have some view points from two sweet sisters in Christ about it all (shout out to Crissy and Duski!).



......now some odd days later, I am once again at peace (thank you Lord) and though I don't know where He may want me later, I know He wants me here right now.

Not What I Planned

It was just a normal day...or so I thought. I wanted to get as much sleep as possible before working a double shift, but in preparations for a trip coming up, I needed to take my car in to be looked at, oil change, brakes, etc. I went on to bed to get whatever sleep I could, and then was called. "Miss Bennett," the mechanic said, "how much do you like your car?" Up to that point I was mostly content with what I had. The conversation continued and he told me what all they found wrong with my car. I know a lot of mechanics will try to pull one over on people, especially young women, but I don't believe this was the case. The costs of fixing the dangerous issues my car had was quite a bit more than the actual worth of the car, and he told me as well that I was a few pot holes short of watching my wheel fly off and getting in a serious accident. So, long story short, I will be getting a newer car here shortly.

Initially I freaked out. This was NOT part of my plan. I am slowly getting up on my feet financially, and was not planning to buy a car for at least 6 months. My plan. It makes me think about the scene in Evan Almighty when Steve Carell's character says the same thing to Morgan Freeman's character, "God" who responds, "Your plan?" and then laughs. Yet, if my plan was to wait a few more months before seriously considering a car purchase, I could have very easily been involved in a car accident if my car really is in such a bad condition. Come to think of it, if it weren't for the oil needing to be changed, I probably would have taken this trip, and who knows what could have happened. It makes me wonder if something similarly to that scene in Evan Almighty took place in the heavenly realm as I was in my room crying and frustrated about getting a new car. Well, maybe He wouldn't have been laughing about the absurdity of me worrying about "my plan" than He would have been trying to console me and show me He is protecting me, that He has more of a purpose for me than to loose my wheel and possibly my life with it.

Why am I so thick-headed sometimes? And who gets upset about getting a newer car?

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

(oh and side note... I am more at peace about the whole situation now).

Pseudocrush(es)

So it took me long enough in life to realize, but I have begun to think as a female that it is almost pointless to have a crush on a guy....or at least the female writing this blog. It just gives birth to something that grows and often comes to no fruition. I mean, what happens when you have a crush (or more so when I have a crush). I think about the person, I want to be around that person, feelings grow for that person. But nothing comes of it, I get hurt or disappointed unnecessarily. And more than likely I screw up what could have been a good friendship.

Yes there are some small things I could do to make the possibility of something happen or put myself out there, but being that it is not my place to pursue, even getting myself out there in the end doesn't matter if he isn't interested. So why should I crush on a guy that more often than not is not crushing on me, because really in the end it will be him asking me out and not me asking him out.

Also when I crush on a guy, I often become even more self-conscious and freeze or clam up or beat myself up for any interaction I later declare as stupid on my part. If I don't crush on him, that (hopefully) allows me to be free to be me, and I won't care as much if I say something stupid in our interactions.

So I recently started calling potential crushes "psuedocrushes" on guys that I could like, but am not allowing myself to at this time. I do want to be friends with them, and get to know them as my brothers-in-Christ, and one thing that helps if I start thinking of one of them more often is to pray for him and his future wife. This helps me to honor him in my thoughts. I am curious to see how this battle against the crushes will go. With God's grace and strength alone, hopefully well!

Here goes more vulnerability

So last week I had some rough days as a single. I would consider myself overall content in my single situation, however last week I had a few low days. I started thinking about it, and had to come to my blog to realize that about this time last year I was going through the same funk. Last time it was due to a lie I was being told about being forgotten by God. This time it was different.

I don't know what it was that set it off for me this time, but it was as if every one of my senses became acutely aware of my solitary state, and my normal longing evolved to a deep despair as if one of my heart's desires was not going to come to pass. I got away....went to Spain park, laid out on a blanket with my bible, my journal, and the fall sun and had a heart to heart with God. I think for me this time the issue was not that I couldn't trust God, but I had to verbalize to Him that truthfully in the deepest part of me I fear that He doesn't have a companion for me in His plans. I love that even though there is absolutely nothing I can hide from Him, and He already knows this deep fear in my heart, that I can still be straight up with Him, and He's ok with hearing it.

Later that day I go to a meeting, where I was the only person there unmarried, and became even further aware of my situation. I really felt like hiding or escaping, and half the time I did feel like a wallflower. And I thought about family and friends, and to those who are married I felt even more alienated. I can't expect my parents to understand, they married at 22. I can't expect my brother and sister-in-law to understand, they married about that age too. Though I know I am not alone in this, I feel like I have to fight through this on my own.

Now I can preach to myself all day and night. I know that He is sovereign, and that it is written in His plans whether or not I will remain single or not, and there is nothing I can do to thwart that. However the distance from my head of knowledge to my heart of fear is quite far. Yet I remind myself of a lesson God taught me after the end of one of my past relationships. Either (1) God has someone better for me out there or (2) God has a life of singleness for me, and that life of singleness would be better than a life married to _fill in the blank_ or to anyone else out there.

So about the time I have myself through that spell I go to Sunday school. We are in a new series of Life in the Body and the single life, and Sunday's lesson got to the core of many feelings that singles have...being that some of us may be angry at God, or some of us feel that there is something unlovable about us, or that we are single now because of some past or present sin in our lives. It was a good gut-wrenching talk, which resurfaced my issues all over again. So in my current situation, I don't think that one of the 3 issues we talked about fit per say what I was working through at this time...but they have in the past, or they come in waves. So why do I fear? Is it a trust factor? I know part of it is that I long for this desire of my heart to be a desire of His heart for me too.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:14