Expecting to not be Understood

I am back. 

Back in the States, after 2 years 6 months and 29 days of living in Peru, speaking Spanish on a daily if not hourly basis, adapting to a different, yet beautiful culture, investing into other lives, and being invested in as well. 

My life has changed. I see life differently than I did before. I have a bajillion stories. I have seen God's hand move and work in amazing ways. And now I am back to what has been in the past and could be once again....mundane. 

My values have changed, in that the priorities I have in life I want to act out more that they are priorities than I want to talk about them. I feel that so often we talk about what really matters to us, but in the end, the actions show that WE really matter to us.  We say the common answer of God, family, friends.... etc. But so often our busy-ness defines us and the order is reversed to be us, family, friends, and God.... 

I am not expecting to be understood during this period of transition.... in fact, I am sure I won't understand everything that I think or feel as I readapt either, and that is ok. What I know, is that I have an awesome God who lead me to Peru, who holds my heart, who understands me and will lead me in these days.  Its ok if I am not understood... and its ok if I don't understand either.

  

Too Much to Write.... Too Little Time

There is too much to write, and too little time. Oh how I wish I could just have a day, without work or errands, a day to escape, a day to write, whether to catch up on my journal, or scribble the many wild thoughts I have had, be them deep or flighty.

It seems life is running away with me, but its moving way faster than I can keep up with it. 

High points, low points, learning points, all of them I want and need to hash out on paper or on the screen.... if only it weren't 3:15 am my time and if only I weren't so tired to stay on this and hash things out. 

What are you doing Lord? You are not a God of confusion, but where is the clarity I have been praying for? What do you have for me? I am coming upon a huge change and I have never felt so lost.  Please, please.... just a hint, just a glimpse of the bigger picture.  

This World

"This world has nothing for me, and this world has everything." 

Caedmon's Call

A whole new generation of Christians has come up believing that it is possible to ‘accept’ Christ without forsaking the world.” 

A.W. Tozer

I am so guilty of this! And I struggle. As I type this I know that I want something better for my life, but at the same time, I wonder if I will ever break free of the bonds on me. I have a better understanding now after living overseas what life is really about, and its not about the fleeting things that I still chase after! Music, movies, materialism, the internet, and the list could go on.

I went shopping tonight at a mall nearby, and I don't know why, but lately shopping has lost its luster for me. (which is probably a good thing). I had a low day, and was tired of my own thoughts that were becoming a huge distraction to my work, but I didn't want or need the company of others, and I didn't want my thoughts to be spoken if I were with someone. I did have a reason for going, but later realized a side motive was also to have a "pick-me-up". 

All over the place is the message: "You need this!" "You deserve this!" "This would look great on you!" "Its such a great deal!" Such a "positive" atmosphere, that more often than not the consumer leaves unsatisfied or negative. (Hmm... that really didn't fill this void did it?)

We are so often tempted to chase after "lovers less wild". How often my flesh wants to go to music, TV, movies, shopping, food, etc for escapes.... When I am only filled by my God. On the way home my taxi driver took me through a ritzier area to get to where I am housesitting. I say ritzier, knowing that the area I went through is considered ritzy here, but would be considered upper middle class back in the states. My stomach turned. Money, something so many take for granted, yet others die because they don't have it... whether of starvation or no health care. 

I don't want to stay in this vain rut. Is there a balance in sharing blessings and allowing yourself to be blessed? If there is a balance, what does it look like?

This Girl I Know

As a wilting flower, she waits...

Will she be watered?

She wants to cry for help

But is too dry

If it isn't because of sun,

its the heavy shadow overhead.

She gave herself away

Believing the lies of love...

some of his speaking,

some of her own convincing

She keeps falling into the same routine

And always comes out heartbroken

She wants to give up on them

But that is where she feels loved

She is crying, she is scared

Will this flower stop wilting

Will she be beautiful again

She is His treasure, His lovely one

But will she ever understand that?

How I wish I could convince her

When I look her in the eyes

Will she see the sincerity and truth I speak?

Or will she look within instead of upwards

For her worth and beauty

Sweet child of God-

THEY can't complete you-HE can

THEY will never treasure you as HE does

Your full beauty is seen only by HIM

My sweet Father, help me tell her

Give me the strength to always speak your truth to her,

Give her heart ears to hear.

Mixed Emotions

Excited to be coming home
Excited to be here
Sad to leave this behind
Scared to go back

Many sweet memories and treasured moments are often remembered.
Everyday is sweeter and not as mundane
The things that annoy me, now strike me as things I'll miss
Those that are so dear to me, I already cry for the loss
How great it would be to have the best of both worlds.

Yet on the other side of the world,
How much of it is my mind's curiosity or the pull of my heart towards something once treasured? That I wonder of their well-being.
or maybe because I wasn't the only one left with questions,
or am I now forgetting the hard times?
I am confused for still caring,
And moving forward is in reality different than moving on.
I suppose it is ok to think about something once invested in,
but to not let it consume you.
I wish it were as easy to forget than be forgotten, or to leave than be left.
All I know is that the best replacement for all these thoughts are prayers....

So if anyone's ears are burning out there, it may just be
because I am talking about you to Him......

and truly wishing good things for you.

Blah-g

So here comes a bit more of my vulnerability..... I've had a rough month +/- of discontentment. Overall in my single life I have been content in where God has had me and not felt pressured to be pursued or overwhelmed with discontentment. I don't write this for encouragement or a shoulder squeeze, moreso for liberation of carrying this around with me. It is a bit late in getting it out of my heart and into words on here, and as I type I know that the weight is not nearly as heavy as it was.

I don't know why the discontentment hit so hard this time around, other than to think it was an attack from the enemy to distract me in the current focus I have. I believe it was from the enemy because of the direct arrows aimed right where my heart was struggling.

For whatever reason, I was feeling forgotten by God when it comes to the "bliss" that most people have in sharing life with a companion. I know that I am not forgotten by Him and that He has an awesome plan for me be it with a male companion or not, (I already have the best Spiritual Companion) but for some refining purpose I was put in that trial, and while my mind knows better, my heart was harder to convince. I believe the enemy knew that, for as I struggled his little *annoying* voice kept telling me, "You feel forgotten by God because you are forgotten by God." I am grateful for the discernment that the Holy Spirit gives that I knew right away that the father of lies was feeding me some of his whoppers. He just wouldn't relent for a while, and he made it seem like a clock was ticking in my ear of the time passing on without said "bliss".

I am glad for where I stand in Christ, and how I can trust in the sovereignty of God and His hand in my life. It strikes me as intriguing that this trial came at a time in my life when, even as I was presented with an interest outlet of sorts, and knowing that I am not quite ready for that road again..... why, in a time of only needing friendship and acknowledging that, was I so overwhelmed by discontentment?? I wonder too if its part of the lies the enemy feeds missionaries that we are missing out on stuff from back home, and as I am "missing out" on friends' weddings, engagements, having babies, etc, he thought he'd wedge his foot into my life a bit and throw some darts.

When I don't listen to his "Woe to you" darts that fly past my ear, I can see so many beautiful reasons why my perfect God who has NOT forgotten me has had me single thus far, and I am so grateful for how He's written things in my life that I'd never dreamed of... stuff in the "more than I could ask or imagine" department. He's really cool like that!! In looking in this past year alone and the challenge upon challenge He has permitted, I can see amazing ways He's worked, and amazing ways He has changed me for the good.

Ok.... so there it is! *sigh* I am so glad He's carrying me out of that valley!

In my element

I just finished the Inca trail this week, and the hike was amazing! It has been a few years now since my last hike, and I forgot how much I love it! This time around, I got to see some beautiful Andes mountains and ruins in the whole trek, and the last day the trail ended at Machu Picchu. It was challenging, stretching, and often difficult or painful, but worth every bruise, cramp, strain on each step up etc.

There are 500 people on the trail daily, and I was often hiking in solitude, which was so great! It has always been a great time for me to think, pray, worship, and delight in God's creation. I think this hike was even more special to me as well because I don't get to get out into nature that often anymore.

It was a good time, and truly a highlight of my life!

A Thought

I don't know that there is an answer to this, but it stems from a conversation I had with my roommate this week on vacation..... One always hears the saying

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

but I've recently thought about this, in light of singleness, contentment, waiting on God, and interest from the opposite sex...

Which is better: to not have anyone interested in you (and the discontentment that can come with that) or to have had someone interested in you, get excited about it, and then them decide they aren't interested after all.

I've been in both places. Neither are "fun" per say. And in both, you need to fall at the foot of the cross, and truly wait on God, and trust that He's got your life in His hands along with your love story that He'll write when it is best. I think when He shows me a great guy, I take the pen from there, at least mentally, and that really isn't trusting HIm, or letting Him write.

Helpless Feeling

We are never helpless, although the feeling can often convince us otherwise. Often we think we can do more than we really can, and then are left feeling stuck or helpless..... For example, if a friend has a problem and there is absolutely nothing to do, even listening isn't an option for whatever reason, and most people say something along the lines of "All I can do is pray." THAT IS THE GREATEST THING TO DO!! It should be the first thing, but is often left as the last thing. (I am the guiltiest of all)

Two things recently happened and I was shaken up by them and left feeling helpless. I couldn't travel a few hours south of Lima to help with some of the disaster relief right after the quake hit. God had his gentle yet firm hand on me holding me back, and my boss did too. Then I learned that medical help wasn't as needed, so I felt a bit better, but I was still seeing pictures and videos of destruction and people's lives severely shaken up. I did pray and am continuing to do so, but I felt so helpless. I wanted to help right away, but couldn't. I was also recently talking on the phone to someone so dear to me, and they began to sob, and I've only seen them tear up once. I've never seen or heard them break down as they did. All I wanted to do was go to where they were to throw my arms around them and assure them of my love. But I could only do so by phone, being separated by 3000+/- miles. I felt so helpless. I felt left in limbo, unable to do what I wanted to do, be it a hug or presence.

I know in both cases I was not helpless, but was left with the strong desire to do more than I was able to do. In those moments, the Savior invites us to lay our burdens down, to breathe in His presence and His good will, and in laying our burdens down, submitting our petitions before the throne we are acting in the best way we possibly can. Yes there are often ways we can help, but only as we are led to.

We are never helpless, no matter what we think or feel. The Helper is always there for us and our problems.

On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand

...... all other ground is sinking sand..........

That song means so much more to me know. I am listening to Passion's version of that song as I write. I have known Christ to be my Solid Rock for so long, but it is so easy to put our hope in other things. Last week I was in the earthquake here in Peru, and though Lima was not as damaged as Ica, I had 2 long minutes of jello-like ground beneath me.

How often do I take for granted or put trust in even the ground beneath my feet? The ground beneath us seems so solid, so unmovable, so secure..... yet it isn't! We build our houses and our lives on it, but it cannot sustain us. There is only one Rock that is solid, and that is Christ.

I write this out of experience. Not only in situations where the ground beneath me is moving, but in things physically or emotionally are falling down all around me, has He been my Rock. I did not fear the quake as so many around me did. He is my stronghold. My life didn't end when my ministry did, when I've been dumped, or when I've felt forgotten...in fact my Rock held me together, He held me close, and He healed my wounds. I don't let Him take control of a lot of things in my life, but when I do, let me tell you..... it is SO extremely beautiful!!

He has changed my mourning into dancing!!

He has filled me with great JOY!!!