Silence.
Far from "bulla" ("boo ya"....spanish for noise).... The soft chirps of the birds on the path. The light sound of my feet as I run. Sometimes it is good that the batteries on my iPod die. Why do I always feel like I need to have music going? That was such a pleasant run.
The need for silence.
After a week of living with a wonderful family and their 4 young children, as well as a ministry opportunity of 2 guests they have with them, I relish more in the silent moments I've had here. (There aren't that many). But quietness is a good thing, even if for 5 minutes. (I've started rethinking how many kids I want.... or the distance between their ages).
Silence because of distance.
It is needed too. I am here, removed from so much back "home" (I still have a hard time answering people when they ask where home is...) Yet in these past 2 years, I think it has been a blessing for me to be removed from certain situations. (Especially since I've got plenty of my plate of drama here...I don't need too much more). I cherish my relationships, and so to be removed, or to have removed myself, I've had to set aside things that matter to me to pursue something that I've been called to. (hmmm... maybe my relationships have been a type of idol for me... I need to pray and ponder on that one a bit more).... Anyways, as time moved on in these years I realized that its not just that "I'm missing out on so much from back home", but also that those back home are missing out on so much that is going on here, my life. So many of my blessings here have been so rich and far from materialistic. I wish I could someday put into words what these years have meant to me here in Peru, that I could express with accuracy the depth of the experiences I've had, and I guess in some ways my heart breaks in that I know when I'm back "home" none of those closest to me will be able to truly understand, my stories will get old, and I fear that I'll be disappointed the day I realize it won't matter to most people anymore... they'll hear my stories with enthusiasm at first because they're interested and/or they love me, but with time........ (descresendo)......
Other chunks of silence has been good and healthy for me too right now. I hope its understood well that I needed this for my own heart to heal. Its never been in my mind a permanent situation, but it was/is something to prevent a torn heart with many questions or confusion on top of a healing heart. And I couldn't let myself hold on to some hope of which was offered. Too many questions are out there, and I couldn't pause that area of my life hoping for something upon my return. I had to press on ahead.. its not that there is a lack of a question mark of next year, there just is no anchor on the idea. I am really well (sometimes it surprises me, but I have to attribute that to the Lord). I don't ache. I even can talk to people about it and not feel a heavy heart. All of that doesn't mean I don't miss some things, but I am enjoying the time I've been given, and this, I believe, is another good reason to be removed from home. I'm here. Far away, for both our good right now. I am not bitter. I am not mad. I am not sad. There has been forgiveness made, and so there is no need to ask for such again. I hope and pray that the silence has been good for not only me. I hope the many thoughts and questions have been answered, or that the "bulla" has died down some. And if it is ever wondered how I am doing...Thanks for the compliment of the thought, and I am well.
Whether 5 minutes, or in a jog, or a few months without speaking to someone..... silence can be a good thing. It can be treasured. It can be a place of healing ~ be it a headache or a heartache. It always is a great place to meet with the Lord. Take a deep breath in and out..... a deep sigh.... and enjoy the silence.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Overload
I wonder if I've ever been as overloaded with such struggles as I am now. As a good friend recently shared with me, I am in the refiner's fire. Not a fun place to be, but eventually a rewarding place. When you ask God to expose your heart to you, be prepared!! I am called to love a certain person in my life, and want to, but almost daily struggle with truly loving them. In my interactions when them, and as I see their sin, I've asked God to show me mine, and let me tell ya.... its pretty ugly too. My selfishness and pride and their different layers have been exposed. Also another issue is although I'd like to think of myself as being pretty flexible, I think in these months/years of being here in Peru I've tried to have almost complete control of my schedule and plans. In some ways its good, but in other ways, it totally isn't falling at the foot of the cross and allowing much room for God to intervene. He does, but typically my response isn't as gracious as it should be. I need to learn again how to throw my plans to the wind every now and then. I like spontaneity, but I've realized that I like it on my terms. Whats that about? I don't like to change around my mental plans too much, and if I need to, I am momentarily ugly about it. Oh, it might not come out, but it is there at least internally.
It is a good thing to have your sins exposed to you, especially those that stay hidden, but its difficult too in that the flesh wants to go on pretending that it was never exposed or turn a "So what?" back to the issues, but the Spirit longs for the newly exposed sin to be changed.
I've also realized that there are some areas in my life that are lacking forgiveness. Whether it is me forgiving myself, someone, or a group of someones, I need to forgive. I am thinking of one situation, more than a year old, that I have worked through before, and forgiven those involved, but in the different levels of healing, I need to continue to forgive. Then in another situation, I am constantly working through forgiveness with them, and about as soon as I work it out in my heart before the Lord, I am injured by them again, and it rewounds me and reopens the former wound. So then I'm working through them both. And that process repeats itself. I am eager for the forgiveness to be worked through and given, knowing that it is what I am called to do, but knowing too that it is more for me than it is for others. I don't feel that I hold grudges, but I don't forget being hurt as easily as others might.
There is a lot on my pensive plate right now....
It is a good thing to have your sins exposed to you, especially those that stay hidden, but its difficult too in that the flesh wants to go on pretending that it was never exposed or turn a "So what?" back to the issues, but the Spirit longs for the newly exposed sin to be changed.
I've also realized that there are some areas in my life that are lacking forgiveness. Whether it is me forgiving myself, someone, or a group of someones, I need to forgive. I am thinking of one situation, more than a year old, that I have worked through before, and forgiven those involved, but in the different levels of healing, I need to continue to forgive. Then in another situation, I am constantly working through forgiveness with them, and about as soon as I work it out in my heart before the Lord, I am injured by them again, and it rewounds me and reopens the former wound. So then I'm working through them both. And that process repeats itself. I am eager for the forgiveness to be worked through and given, knowing that it is what I am called to do, but knowing too that it is more for me than it is for others. I don't feel that I hold grudges, but I don't forget being hurt as easily as others might.
There is a lot on my pensive plate right now....
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
a quote
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable . . . The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers . . . of love is Hell."
~C.S. Lewis
Hmmm....
I came across this quote the other day. It makes you think! Well at least it made me think. In fact I still am thinking about it. Take a few and think about it! ;-)
~C.S. Lewis
Hmmm....
I came across this quote the other day. It makes you think! Well at least it made me think. In fact I still am thinking about it. Take a few and think about it! ;-)
Keep Singing
by Mercy Me
Undone 2004
Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing
Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing
Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing
Oh You're everything I need
And I gotta keep singing
.......................................................
This has been one of my favorite songs here in Peru. Just posting the lyrics doesn't do the song justice. You'd really need to listen to it. Anyways, it doesn't rain here in Lima much at all (an average of 1 inch a year). It mists more than anything.... but in the winters we have a thick blanket of clouds that cover the sky, making it always dim and grey. Every now and then the sun comes out, but it isn't that frequent. Lima is already a spiritually oppressive place, and add the dimness to it, and it can be a bit more discouraging place to be. Whats more is that the winter here and the blanket that blocks the sun sticks around for about 6 months of the year.
Things here in and of themselves aren't always easy. There are clashes with the language, with the culture, with ministry.....etc. Sometimes I think the problems here may be magnified just for the daily clashes with culture etc. of being a missionary. So things may not be easy here in and of themselves, then when you add in other worries or concerns from back home, family, friends, future, etc... things are just plain rough sometimes. This song has been so encouraging to me. I know that there is nothing else to do but to fall at the feet of my Savior when things go south, when my heart aches, when I do want to escape or when I think I won't make it through. We have to just keep going, clinging onto Him, and praising Him..... He is where we find healing.
Undone 2004
Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing
Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing
Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing
Oh You're everything I need
And I gotta keep singing
.......................................................
This has been one of my favorite songs here in Peru. Just posting the lyrics doesn't do the song justice. You'd really need to listen to it. Anyways, it doesn't rain here in Lima much at all (an average of 1 inch a year). It mists more than anything.... but in the winters we have a thick blanket of clouds that cover the sky, making it always dim and grey. Every now and then the sun comes out, but it isn't that frequent. Lima is already a spiritually oppressive place, and add the dimness to it, and it can be a bit more discouraging place to be. Whats more is that the winter here and the blanket that blocks the sun sticks around for about 6 months of the year.
Things here in and of themselves aren't always easy. There are clashes with the language, with the culture, with ministry.....etc. Sometimes I think the problems here may be magnified just for the daily clashes with culture etc. of being a missionary. So things may not be easy here in and of themselves, then when you add in other worries or concerns from back home, family, friends, future, etc... things are just plain rough sometimes. This song has been so encouraging to me. I know that there is nothing else to do but to fall at the feet of my Savior when things go south, when my heart aches, when I do want to escape or when I think I won't make it through. We have to just keep going, clinging onto Him, and praising Him..... He is where we find healing.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
I went on a vacation to clear my mind, but I ended up filling it up even more. The busy-ness of my daily life kept a lot of thoughts from filling my mind that I didn't realize were in me. Now after a few days away, I think I'm even more messed up than I was before I left for my vacation. Its 3:10 AM right now as I write, and after tossing and turning (again) I decided to do a little blogging, hoping to get more thoughts out where I could maybe sleep. I'm listening to my "Need the Lord" mix on iTunes right now, for obvious reasons.
I feel stuck. Well, maybe not stuck. I feel like I'm floating in limbo. About Peru, I ache to think of when I have to leave next year, yet I don't feel the Lords call for me to stay longer. In going home, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what is coming next. I've decided that I will need some emotional support while I transition back in the states, but I don't know where that will be. In seeing how the first 6 months of this year have flown by, I know that the next 6 months will as well, and I don't want it to be slow or to be too fast. It'll probably be both of those at some point.
About the relationship I recently lost (obviously splattered on this blog), I truly have had a lot of peace about it, and I'm not sure what has recently occured, whether one thing or a combination of being sick, sleep deprived, away on vacation and left with my thoughts or whatever, but it has been a harder struggle in these days. Its almost been a month. My mind knows all the reasons why this is a good thing, but my heart is like "WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!?!".
I don't want to scare myself out of loving again, but I do want to save myself from being hurt again. Will my whole life be of just giving of myself? Will there ever come just one that will give to me as much as I give out? My cup is dry while my cheeks are wet. I know its never a good thing to wish time away, we shouldn't expect just high times from the Lord, but I found myself praying that He'd hurry the healing process. What could I possibly learn in this time period? I know to trust Him more would be a great lesson, but I wonder if I could grasp on any stronger to Him at the same time.
I've got great friends surrounding me here, and even more back in the States, but I feel so lonely right now. Maybe for lack of knowing what to do or say I haven't heard from some closest to me back home that I thought I would have. One told me at one point for me to call so that they could encourage me. Does the broken hearted make the move to be encouraged? Maybe i'm just writing like a crazy person now. I guess in my current state that idea sounds a bit off to me: "Hello, yes, I was calling for encouragement. Please in your pity cheer me up." Who does that? Yet, in needing something, thats what I've done. I know I'm not forgotten here in Peru from those back home, but in these hours, days, weeks.... I feel even more forgotten.
Instead of resting, I'm wigging out. Instead of praying, I'm playing. Instead of walking, I'm collapsing.
........ instead of counting sheep, I'm typing on my blog.................
I feel stuck. Well, maybe not stuck. I feel like I'm floating in limbo. About Peru, I ache to think of when I have to leave next year, yet I don't feel the Lords call for me to stay longer. In going home, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what is coming next. I've decided that I will need some emotional support while I transition back in the states, but I don't know where that will be. In seeing how the first 6 months of this year have flown by, I know that the next 6 months will as well, and I don't want it to be slow or to be too fast. It'll probably be both of those at some point.
About the relationship I recently lost (obviously splattered on this blog), I truly have had a lot of peace about it, and I'm not sure what has recently occured, whether one thing or a combination of being sick, sleep deprived, away on vacation and left with my thoughts or whatever, but it has been a harder struggle in these days. Its almost been a month. My mind knows all the reasons why this is a good thing, but my heart is like "WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!?!".
I don't want to scare myself out of loving again, but I do want to save myself from being hurt again. Will my whole life be of just giving of myself? Will there ever come just one that will give to me as much as I give out? My cup is dry while my cheeks are wet. I know its never a good thing to wish time away, we shouldn't expect just high times from the Lord, but I found myself praying that He'd hurry the healing process. What could I possibly learn in this time period? I know to trust Him more would be a great lesson, but I wonder if I could grasp on any stronger to Him at the same time.
I've got great friends surrounding me here, and even more back in the States, but I feel so lonely right now. Maybe for lack of knowing what to do or say I haven't heard from some closest to me back home that I thought I would have. One told me at one point for me to call so that they could encourage me. Does the broken hearted make the move to be encouraged? Maybe i'm just writing like a crazy person now. I guess in my current state that idea sounds a bit off to me: "Hello, yes, I was calling for encouragement. Please in your pity cheer me up." Who does that? Yet, in needing something, thats what I've done. I know I'm not forgotten here in Peru from those back home, but in these hours, days, weeks.... I feel even more forgotten.
Instead of resting, I'm wigging out. Instead of praying, I'm playing. Instead of walking, I'm collapsing.
........ instead of counting sheep, I'm typing on my blog.................
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Two Loves-Both Lost
Two loves,
Both lost
One tangible and visible
The other too far away
One a calling a few years back
The other stopped calling
One involving many
The other involving few
One with many hearts broken
The other breaking only mine
Two loves,
A heart broken twice
One of spreading hope
The other of shattering mine
One restricted by time
The other scared of time
One with a vision
The other of my blindness
One in a different language
The other not understanding mine
One with simple thoughts
The other overanalyzing
Two loves,
Both different
Both breaking my heart
For different purposes
The redemption of such
And the healing
Comes only from
My first Love
The one Love never lost
Both lost
One tangible and visible
The other too far away
One a calling a few years back
The other stopped calling
One involving many
The other involving few
One with many hearts broken
The other breaking only mine
Two loves,
A heart broken twice
One of spreading hope
The other of shattering mine
One restricted by time
The other scared of time
One with a vision
The other of my blindness
One in a different language
The other not understanding mine
One with simple thoughts
The other overanalyzing
Two loves,
Both different
Both breaking my heart
For different purposes
The redemption of such
And the healing
Comes only from
My first Love
The one Love never lost
Of Ministry or Love?
My mind knows the reasons
Yet my heart still questions why
What'd meant so much for so long
Suddenly cannot mean a thing
My reasoning weighs more than my hope
Yet I find myself hoping all the same
Why? Maybe for the ease
To not loose what was invested?
Or of fear to invest again?
Maybe that is the reason
Granted, it still burns-
Not of anger, but of pain
It was worth it to me
No matter how hard it got
But no two people think the same
And so I can't put that off on another
Even though my mind knows the truth
My heart still questions my worth
I know in where my value lies
And from where comes purpose and meaning
Somewhere comes a voice negating
All that I know to be true
My insecure heart so often
Believes the lies that he feeds me
And until my mind convinces my heart
Its believable that I'm not worth much
Or that my work is of no value
Or that I won't love or be loved again
Or that my one chance just passed by
Free me from the lies my wounded heart
So easily agrees with
Free me from the questions my mind
Already has answers to
Free me from myself and bring me closer to you
Yet my heart still questions why
What'd meant so much for so long
Suddenly cannot mean a thing
My reasoning weighs more than my hope
Yet I find myself hoping all the same
Why? Maybe for the ease
To not loose what was invested?
Or of fear to invest again?
Maybe that is the reason
Granted, it still burns-
Not of anger, but of pain
It was worth it to me
No matter how hard it got
But no two people think the same
And so I can't put that off on another
Even though my mind knows the truth
My heart still questions my worth
I know in where my value lies
And from where comes purpose and meaning
Somewhere comes a voice negating
All that I know to be true
My insecure heart so often
Believes the lies that he feeds me
And until my mind convinces my heart
Its believable that I'm not worth much
Or that my work is of no value
Or that I won't love or be loved again
Or that my one chance just passed by
Free me from the lies my wounded heart
So easily agrees with
Free me from the questions my mind
Already has answers to
Free me from myself and bring me closer to you
Monday, July 2, 2007
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Why another blog?
This idea occured to me about an hour ago, to have a separate blogsite, as I have one already, more relating to my experiences here in Peru as a short term missionary. There is a lot going on right now in my life, in some ways all is crashing down around me, and traditionally when these types of rough times have come in my life, I've taken to writing.... so here's to expressing thoughts. I'm on a bit of a vacation right now, and would really like to be sleeping, but my mind has been racing, so this was one of the things I decided to do to maybe ease my mind a bit.
I don't know what may be spilled out onto this site from the ocean of my mind, but whether low or high, with an upbeat note or a complete downer, I hope that like the psalmist I will be able to bring things back in alignment with what really matters in life. Thus the reason why I set this blog site as beccasjoy . I have only one Joy. The joy in my heart comes from only one Source, and I never want to forget Him or set Him aside in my good and bad times.
I don't know what may be spilled out onto this site from the ocean of my mind, but whether low or high, with an upbeat note or a complete downer, I hope that like the psalmist I will be able to bring things back in alignment with what really matters in life. Thus the reason why I set this blog site as beccasjoy . I have only one Joy. The joy in my heart comes from only one Source, and I never want to forget Him or set Him aside in my good and bad times.
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