Fighting the Funk

I feel a funk coming on, and one part of me wants to fight it, the other part of me wants to wallow in it. Could it be because Thanksgiving is this week and its my first one in the states in 4 years, and I will not be spending it with family, rather working? Thats probably part of the funk, but the main reason would probably be that my times with the Lord lately are only to "tread water" spiritually. I tend to see my funks come in the times in my life when I am being legalistic about my me-and-God times, and really not going deep.

I want to wallow in this muck, feeling blah and not wanting to change my attitude. I want to withdraw, and this week may help that in that many of my friends are out of town. But really? What good does any of that do? How does that portray Christ?

So I must REPENT, BELIEVE, and FIGHT. I am trying to fight off this funk. I am trying to call myself into check. And I am probably putting on a mask with a smile on it in the process.

Main ingredient: Love

My ingredient: Frustration

My dearest friends in Peru always say when they share a meal with others that the main ingredient that is put into the meal is love. 

I served a different type of Peruvian meal tonight.... pouring in 50% love and 50% frustration. 

I truly do enjoy cooking, especially for others, and I really love sharing things from Peru with others...so a few weeks ago, I signed up to bring dinner for life group, with the intention of making a Peruvian meal. All the ingredients in Peruvian meals are fresh, you make everything from scratch, which is more delicious, but more work. (I think the next time I sign up I'm bringing Stouffer's). 

It was our last life group meeting, and 2 life groups were coming together. I overestimated 40 people, preferring to bring too much than not enough,  and not knowing who all was out of town. Anyways, so Friday I got all the ingredients (excluding one that I had frozen from Peru), and should have budgetted better.

So Saturday I started prepping stuff... I made the dessert, and got other things prepared that would help things go faster today. My roommate helped me out some too.

So Sunday, after meeting with my small group of girls, I rushed home to get things moving, only having a little over 4 hours to have everything ready. Enough time, right? I began cooking the chicken, then my roommate came home and I was able to delegate some important chopping. Things were moving, but there was still a lot to be done. One friend came over to fix our outside porch light, and ended up helping us more, another friend dropped by for a little as well to help. All looked well, it seemed like we were going to get it all done and make it in time for life group. I was hoping to make it there with everything ready, so I could also sit in and participate in the meeting. It was going well until the pot with the rice, a very essential part of this "chicken with rice" meal started to let out a thick white smoke. Long story short, 3 pounds of half-way cooked rice with peas, carrots, and red peppers (previously chopped) along with the green mixture of cilantro, spinach, beer, and garlic (that was simmering in the rice) was ALL RUINED!!! We still had another pound of rice cooking in another pot, but that wasn't going to feed everyone! 

We got everything else ready to go, my roommate ran to the store, and picked up some essential items to remake some rice at the Branch's (where we meet for lifegroup). I took a look at the other pot of rice that I had cooking. Pot #2 ALL RUINED!!!!!  I rushed on over to lifegroupt to get started. The second batch of the rice, that we'd end up eating was not what it should have been, but there was no more time to make it right, only time to make it, a small taste of what it could be.

The positive: no one there had eaten this Peruvian dish, they wouldn't know differently.

The negative: I would

I was very frustrated.... several times I had to hold back the tears. On my way over to the Branch's, I thought about what God could be teaching me. Probably not to be so perfectionistic, also to remind me I wasn't in control, and probably another lesson of letting things go. 

Oh if only I had. Not only were Pots# 1 & 2 ruined, but so was my mood and mindset for the rest of the night. I have felt a funk coming on anyways, this just helped it spiral on down. I stayed late and attempted being social, but was so brainblocked by the 2 long days spent in the kitchen on a meal that came out to me only half what it could've been. 

As I cleaned the monstrous mess in the kitchen when I got back home, I thought of how the rice parallels creation. In the first pots were the ingredients for the right recipe, then it became ruined, and the following pot of rice served was only a taste, a glimpse of something that resembled what it should be like. The beauty that we do have here on earth is only a glimpse of something that resembles the new creation, what awaits us in eternity. (where rice is NEVER ruined!)  ;-) 

Daylight Savings... and other pros and cons with nightshift

For a while now I have thought about posting some pros and cons about working night shift. Right now I am at work, and we have just observed Daylight Savings time, and I get to work one extra hour tonight. I hadn't really thought about that in working nights, but at least I get one hour extra of pay (which will happen to be time and a half) and if things get busy I will have one extra hour to get things done. (I am trying to think positively because I really don't want to be here right now!)

Here are some other pros and cons to working nights (with some help from the girls I work with):

Pros....
-Being able to go to church every week (here at my job we have to work every other weekend)
-Higher pay
-Going to Wal-mart after getting off work in the morning: easy parking, short lines
-When I leave work in the morning and the sun is rising, I've already put my full day's work in.
- Opposite traffic flow when I get off.
-Getting off in the morning with a fresh feeling from the morning air.
-When I work holidays, I don't miss out on the daytime holiday activities
-The amazing girls that I work with and the teamwork that we have!!
- Not having to put up with A LOT of people throughout the day
- Being able to blog at night when the night is slower. ;-), and read other blogs
- Having appointments that I don't have to miss work for

Cons....
-When we have to wake patients up
-Sleep schedule
-Construction behind my house while I am sleeping throughout the day
-Daylight Savings
-People not understanding we sleep during the day....they aren't naps...OR they are amazed that we are still functioning well later on after our shift (when it may only be "eveningtime" in my sleep schedule)


..... I will note though, if it weren't for my schedule being 7on 7off (working 7days getting off 7 days) I probably wouldn't work nights....but this allows me to be "normal" during my off week.

November 4

Election Day is around the corner, and well, honestly I am not one who jumps into politics nor do I keep up with things there well, but I have done a bit more this time around to make a more informed decision.

This election reminds me of the election in Peru a few years ago between Ollanta Humala and Alan Garcia. The first who is "chummy" with Chavez and comes from a terrorist background to the second who destroyed Peru's economy when he was president in the 80s. Many Peruvians shared with me that their choice was like choosing between AIDS or cancer...voting for the lesser of 2 evils.

Is there a need for change? Yes. But the only One who can bring real change is Christ, not one man. And even there were a "lesser of 2 evils" and I were to vote for him, the other candidate may win. Regardless who takes the role of our president, the man needs our prayers; God in His sovereignty has ordained who will take that roll (not that I shouldn't vote); and even if I am unhappy with the results, Nebuchadnezzar ruled Babylon, though "evil", God allowed it, and God humbled him too.

No matter who wins on November 4, Obama or McCain, only Christ can change this country, the war, the economy...~> US.

Trusting Him for Them

As much as I would love to come to the rescue, I can only do so much, and that little bit that I can do seems so small for the burden I have for them. I have given and want to do more, but to what point? How much is enough..is there a "too much"? What is He trying to teach them, and would I be a hinderance to that if I took up my hypothetical cape and flew to the rescue. They are His. He is their Father who will provide for their needs. He doesn't need my cape, He already has them tucked under His wings.

Maybe He does want to use me, maybe He does want me to be closer to help, maybe He wants me to stay here and help from afar.

The tendency of my heart is to jump in and help, but how much of that is my desire to serve and my love for them vs. my issue with loss of control?

Even if I weren't able to help out in any way at all.... They still are His.

Maybe He just wants me to trust Him for them.

Enough is Enough

While I was in Boston, my friends and I prayed together about some things in our lives and where we are, jobs....families....etc. My dear friend, so burdened at one point in her prayer with my state of singleness (I think I might be more content about my situation than she is for me) prayed with tears and at one point even said "Enough is enough God!" and I couldn't help but laugh while we were praying. Later her boldness struck me as interesting. I don't know that I could say that to God about myself........but how often does the core of me think it, about any issue, even if I do not have the boldness to say it?

Reverse Culture Shock

So I have been back in the states now for over 8 months. Its crazy to think that, but time truly has gone by quickly. I feel that overall my transition has been good and smooth. I only had a few rough weeks in the beginning, but since then I rested in the fact that I know I am called to be here for now, and acknowledged that it is ok to separate in my mind how different life in Peru is to life here in the States.

So after my visit back to Peru this past September, about 6 months after leaving Peru, I would have imagined at least a little reverse culture shock. The weird thing is that while in Peru I was semi-eager to get back here. The weirder thing is, last week after visiting my dear friend in Boston I had a HARD time adjusting to being back here and was questioning where I am to be.

Backing up..... as a nurse there are many opportunities in many places to work, and I have always toyed with the idea of travel nursing. But, I need community and people I know nearby, and I wouldn't take an assignment to a place where I don't know anyone.

I LOVED Boston.

I loved it when I went there with my family 13ish years ago, and I loved it even more this time around. I could TOTALLY live there. I also have family and many friends from working camp at Ridge Haven that are out in St. Louis. That would be a great destination too!

One of the biggest reasons for considering this is for finances. My hope and plan (which is often changed by One who knows best) is to be debt free by 30. I am also burdened to help some dear people to me out financially as well and would be able to "do more" if I made more.

The shock hit after the trip probably for several reasons. I came back from Boston with my new car waiting for me. And honestly for the first few days I really wasn't enjoying it much. It wasn't buyers remorse, because I'd done the research, saved a good chunk of money, and know this is logically a great decision. Taking on a new loan and a new (used) car is stressful, but finally got to where I can look at the HUGE blessing the car is that I have, that I DON'T deserve at all, but in all logical reasons is what I need right now. Balancing me having this nice car with what I was used to in Peru, and the 2 mindsets between these 2 countries, was part of my initial problem. It isn't a necessity to have a car in Peru, there is enough public transportation and taxis to get you anywhere, but it is a necessity here to have a reliable mode of transportation. If my dearest friends in Peru were to see this car of mine that I have, I don't believe they would understand well. Then on another aspect, being able to pay for this right now when some close to me are really struggling financially, I guess I also felt guilty for having this as well.

Then if I were to leave, it would be hard and take longer to find good community as I already have here. Last Sunday night (in the midst of this shock) I teared up several times at life group thinking of the possibility of leaving my group at OMPC (even though there are many I am still getting to know).

I came back from Boston and kept all these building thoughts of "I don't know where God wants me!!!!!" inside and they kept building up for several days before I could talk to someone and let it all out. But once I did, it didn't seem like such a big issue after all (though it was HUGE in my mind), and was so good to have some view points from two sweet sisters in Christ about it all (shout out to Crissy and Duski!).



......now some odd days later, I am once again at peace (thank you Lord) and though I don't know where He may want me later, I know He wants me here right now.

Not What I Planned

It was just a normal day...or so I thought. I wanted to get as much sleep as possible before working a double shift, but in preparations for a trip coming up, I needed to take my car in to be looked at, oil change, brakes, etc. I went on to bed to get whatever sleep I could, and then was called. "Miss Bennett," the mechanic said, "how much do you like your car?" Up to that point I was mostly content with what I had. The conversation continued and he told me what all they found wrong with my car. I know a lot of mechanics will try to pull one over on people, especially young women, but I don't believe this was the case. The costs of fixing the dangerous issues my car had was quite a bit more than the actual worth of the car, and he told me as well that I was a few pot holes short of watching my wheel fly off and getting in a serious accident. So, long story short, I will be getting a newer car here shortly.

Initially I freaked out. This was NOT part of my plan. I am slowly getting up on my feet financially, and was not planning to buy a car for at least 6 months. My plan. It makes me think about the scene in Evan Almighty when Steve Carell's character says the same thing to Morgan Freeman's character, "God" who responds, "Your plan?" and then laughs. Yet, if my plan was to wait a few more months before seriously considering a car purchase, I could have very easily been involved in a car accident if my car really is in such a bad condition. Come to think of it, if it weren't for the oil needing to be changed, I probably would have taken this trip, and who knows what could have happened. It makes me wonder if something similarly to that scene in Evan Almighty took place in the heavenly realm as I was in my room crying and frustrated about getting a new car. Well, maybe He wouldn't have been laughing about the absurdity of me worrying about "my plan" than He would have been trying to console me and show me He is protecting me, that He has more of a purpose for me than to loose my wheel and possibly my life with it.

Why am I so thick-headed sometimes? And who gets upset about getting a newer car?

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

(oh and side note... I am more at peace about the whole situation now).

Pseudocrush(es)

So it took me long enough in life to realize, but I have begun to think as a female that it is almost pointless to have a crush on a guy....or at least the female writing this blog. It just gives birth to something that grows and often comes to no fruition. I mean, what happens when you have a crush (or more so when I have a crush). I think about the person, I want to be around that person, feelings grow for that person. But nothing comes of it, I get hurt or disappointed unnecessarily. And more than likely I screw up what could have been a good friendship.

Yes there are some small things I could do to make the possibility of something happen or put myself out there, but being that it is not my place to pursue, even getting myself out there in the end doesn't matter if he isn't interested. So why should I crush on a guy that more often than not is not crushing on me, because really in the end it will be him asking me out and not me asking him out.

Also when I crush on a guy, I often become even more self-conscious and freeze or clam up or beat myself up for any interaction I later declare as stupid on my part. If I don't crush on him, that (hopefully) allows me to be free to be me, and I won't care as much if I say something stupid in our interactions.

So I recently started calling potential crushes "psuedocrushes" on guys that I could like, but am not allowing myself to at this time. I do want to be friends with them, and get to know them as my brothers-in-Christ, and one thing that helps if I start thinking of one of them more often is to pray for him and his future wife. This helps me to honor him in my thoughts. I am curious to see how this battle against the crushes will go. With God's grace and strength alone, hopefully well!

Here goes more vulnerability

So last week I had some rough days as a single. I would consider myself overall content in my single situation, however last week I had a few low days. I started thinking about it, and had to come to my blog to realize that about this time last year I was going through the same funk. Last time it was due to a lie I was being told about being forgotten by God. This time it was different.

I don't know what it was that set it off for me this time, but it was as if every one of my senses became acutely aware of my solitary state, and my normal longing evolved to a deep despair as if one of my heart's desires was not going to come to pass. I got away....went to Spain park, laid out on a blanket with my bible, my journal, and the fall sun and had a heart to heart with God. I think for me this time the issue was not that I couldn't trust God, but I had to verbalize to Him that truthfully in the deepest part of me I fear that He doesn't have a companion for me in His plans. I love that even though there is absolutely nothing I can hide from Him, and He already knows this deep fear in my heart, that I can still be straight up with Him, and He's ok with hearing it.

Later that day I go to a meeting, where I was the only person there unmarried, and became even further aware of my situation. I really felt like hiding or escaping, and half the time I did feel like a wallflower. And I thought about family and friends, and to those who are married I felt even more alienated. I can't expect my parents to understand, they married at 22. I can't expect my brother and sister-in-law to understand, they married about that age too. Though I know I am not alone in this, I feel like I have to fight through this on my own.

Now I can preach to myself all day and night. I know that He is sovereign, and that it is written in His plans whether or not I will remain single or not, and there is nothing I can do to thwart that. However the distance from my head of knowledge to my heart of fear is quite far. Yet I remind myself of a lesson God taught me after the end of one of my past relationships. Either (1) God has someone better for me out there or (2) God has a life of singleness for me, and that life of singleness would be better than a life married to _fill in the blank_ or to anyone else out there.

So about the time I have myself through that spell I go to Sunday school. We are in a new series of Life in the Body and the single life, and Sunday's lesson got to the core of many feelings that singles have...being that some of us may be angry at God, or some of us feel that there is something unlovable about us, or that we are single now because of some past or present sin in our lives. It was a good gut-wrenching talk, which resurfaced my issues all over again. So in my current situation, I don't think that one of the 3 issues we talked about fit per say what I was working through at this time...but they have in the past, or they come in waves. So why do I fear? Is it a trust factor? I know part of it is that I long for this desire of my heart to be a desire of His heart for me too.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:14