Here goes more vulnerability

So last week I had some rough days as a single. I would consider myself overall content in my single situation, however last week I had a few low days. I started thinking about it, and had to come to my blog to realize that about this time last year I was going through the same funk. Last time it was due to a lie I was being told about being forgotten by God. This time it was different.

I don't know what it was that set it off for me this time, but it was as if every one of my senses became acutely aware of my solitary state, and my normal longing evolved to a deep despair as if one of my heart's desires was not going to come to pass. I got away....went to Spain park, laid out on a blanket with my bible, my journal, and the fall sun and had a heart to heart with God. I think for me this time the issue was not that I couldn't trust God, but I had to verbalize to Him that truthfully in the deepest part of me I fear that He doesn't have a companion for me in His plans. I love that even though there is absolutely nothing I can hide from Him, and He already knows this deep fear in my heart, that I can still be straight up with Him, and He's ok with hearing it.

Later that day I go to a meeting, where I was the only person there unmarried, and became even further aware of my situation. I really felt like hiding or escaping, and half the time I did feel like a wallflower. And I thought about family and friends, and to those who are married I felt even more alienated. I can't expect my parents to understand, they married at 22. I can't expect my brother and sister-in-law to understand, they married about that age too. Though I know I am not alone in this, I feel like I have to fight through this on my own.

Now I can preach to myself all day and night. I know that He is sovereign, and that it is written in His plans whether or not I will remain single or not, and there is nothing I can do to thwart that. However the distance from my head of knowledge to my heart of fear is quite far. Yet I remind myself of a lesson God taught me after the end of one of my past relationships. Either (1) God has someone better for me out there or (2) God has a life of singleness for me, and that life of singleness would be better than a life married to _fill in the blank_ or to anyone else out there.

So about the time I have myself through that spell I go to Sunday school. We are in a new series of Life in the Body and the single life, and Sunday's lesson got to the core of many feelings that singles have...being that some of us may be angry at God, or some of us feel that there is something unlovable about us, or that we are single now because of some past or present sin in our lives. It was a good gut-wrenching talk, which resurfaced my issues all over again. So in my current situation, I don't think that one of the 3 issues we talked about fit per say what I was working through at this time...but they have in the past, or they come in waves. So why do I fear? Is it a trust factor? I know part of it is that I long for this desire of my heart to be a desire of His heart for me too.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:14