So it took me long enough in life to realize, but I have begun to think as a female that it is almost pointless to have a crush on a guy....or at least the female writing this blog. It just gives birth to something that grows and often comes to no fruition. I mean, what happens when you have a crush (or more so when I have a crush). I think about the person, I want to be around that person, feelings grow for that person. But nothing comes of it, I get hurt or disappointed unnecessarily. And more than likely I screw up what could have been a good friendship.
Yes there are some small things I could do to make the possibility of something happen or put myself out there, but being that it is not my place to pursue, even getting myself out there in the end doesn't matter if he isn't interested. So why should I crush on a guy that more often than not is not crushing on me, because really in the end it will be him asking me out and not me asking him out.
Also when I crush on a guy, I often become even more self-conscious and freeze or clam up or beat myself up for any interaction I later declare as stupid on my part. If I don't crush on him, that (hopefully) allows me to be free to be me, and I won't care as much if I say something stupid in our interactions.
So I recently started calling potential crushes "psuedocrushes" on guys that I could like, but am not allowing myself to at this time. I do want to be friends with them, and get to know them as my brothers-in-Christ, and one thing that helps if I start thinking of one of them more often is to pray for him and his future wife. This helps me to honor him in my thoughts. I am curious to see how this battle against the crushes will go. With God's grace and strength alone, hopefully well!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Here goes more vulnerability
So last week I had some rough days as a single. I would consider myself overall content in my single situation, however last week I had a few low days. I started thinking about it, and had to come to my blog to realize that about this time last year I was going through the same funk. Last time it was due to a lie I was being told about being forgotten by God. This time it was different.
I don't know what it was that set it off for me this time, but it was as if every one of my senses became acutely aware of my solitary state, and my normal longing evolved to a deep despair as if one of my heart's desires was not going to come to pass. I got away....went to Spain park, laid out on a blanket with my bible, my journal, and the fall sun and had a heart to heart with God. I think for me this time the issue was not that I couldn't trust God, but I had to verbalize to Him that truthfully in the deepest part of me I fear that He doesn't have a companion for me in His plans. I love that even though there is absolutely nothing I can hide from Him, and He already knows this deep fear in my heart, that I can still be straight up with Him, and He's ok with hearing it.
Later that day I go to a meeting, where I was the only person there unmarried, and became even further aware of my situation. I really felt like hiding or escaping, and half the time I did feel like a wallflower. And I thought about family and friends, and to those who are married I felt even more alienated. I can't expect my parents to understand, they married at 22. I can't expect my brother and sister-in-law to understand, they married about that age too. Though I know I am not alone in this, I feel like I have to fight through this on my own.
Now I can preach to myself all day and night. I know that He is sovereign, and that it is written in His plans whether or not I will remain single or not, and there is nothing I can do to thwart that. However the distance from my head of knowledge to my heart of fear is quite far. Yet I remind myself of a lesson God taught me after the end of one of my past relationships. Either (1) God has someone better for me out there or (2) God has a life of singleness for me, and that life of singleness would be better than a life married to _fill in the blank_ or to anyone else out there.
So about the time I have myself through that spell I go to Sunday school. We are in a new series of Life in the Body and the single life, and Sunday's lesson got to the core of many feelings that singles have...being that some of us may be angry at God, or some of us feel that there is something unlovable about us, or that we are single now because of some past or present sin in our lives. It was a good gut-wrenching talk, which resurfaced my issues all over again. So in my current situation, I don't think that one of the 3 issues we talked about fit per say what I was working through at this time...but they have in the past, or they come in waves. So why do I fear? Is it a trust factor? I know part of it is that I long for this desire of my heart to be a desire of His heart for me too.
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:14
I don't know what it was that set it off for me this time, but it was as if every one of my senses became acutely aware of my solitary state, and my normal longing evolved to a deep despair as if one of my heart's desires was not going to come to pass. I got away....went to Spain park, laid out on a blanket with my bible, my journal, and the fall sun and had a heart to heart with God. I think for me this time the issue was not that I couldn't trust God, but I had to verbalize to Him that truthfully in the deepest part of me I fear that He doesn't have a companion for me in His plans. I love that even though there is absolutely nothing I can hide from Him, and He already knows this deep fear in my heart, that I can still be straight up with Him, and He's ok with hearing it.
Later that day I go to a meeting, where I was the only person there unmarried, and became even further aware of my situation. I really felt like hiding or escaping, and half the time I did feel like a wallflower. And I thought about family and friends, and to those who are married I felt even more alienated. I can't expect my parents to understand, they married at 22. I can't expect my brother and sister-in-law to understand, they married about that age too. Though I know I am not alone in this, I feel like I have to fight through this on my own.
Now I can preach to myself all day and night. I know that He is sovereign, and that it is written in His plans whether or not I will remain single or not, and there is nothing I can do to thwart that. However the distance from my head of knowledge to my heart of fear is quite far. Yet I remind myself of a lesson God taught me after the end of one of my past relationships. Either (1) God has someone better for me out there or (2) God has a life of singleness for me, and that life of singleness would be better than a life married to _fill in the blank_ or to anyone else out there.
So about the time I have myself through that spell I go to Sunday school. We are in a new series of Life in the Body and the single life, and Sunday's lesson got to the core of many feelings that singles have...being that some of us may be angry at God, or some of us feel that there is something unlovable about us, or that we are single now because of some past or present sin in our lives. It was a good gut-wrenching talk, which resurfaced my issues all over again. So in my current situation, I don't think that one of the 3 issues we talked about fit per say what I was working through at this time...but they have in the past, or they come in waves. So why do I fear? Is it a trust factor? I know part of it is that I long for this desire of my heart to be a desire of His heart for me too.
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:14
Monday, September 22, 2008
Where He Wants Me
I got back a few days ago from a visit to Peru. It was the first time I went back since I came home in February. It was a great visit in all, and I wasn't sure what it would be like for me going back and then coming back here again, but God is good. I walked the streets of Salamanca and other parts of Lima, and while it was all so familiar, and a place I used to call home, I had the continuous sense that I am not called there now. (Which is good since I am in Birmingham!) It was one of my homes, but it is not my home. And when the time came for me to leave, I was ready. I wanted to get home, I wanted to go back to work, I wanted to go back to my church. I know God wants me in Birmingham right now, and have known that.... but it was nice to have a further confirmation to my heart while I was in a country I used to serve in.
Many people ask me still about my transition back to the States, and I have heard horror stories for some people coming back. But I truly feel like my transition has been great, and one huge reason why is that I know that I am where He wants me, and I can rest in that, even when all else is crazy around me.
Many people ask me still about my transition back to the States, and I have heard horror stories for some people coming back. But I truly feel like my transition has been great, and one huge reason why is that I know that I am where He wants me, and I can rest in that, even when all else is crazy around me.
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