In Comparison

So there I was, at the gym (I just joined last week...so much fun!!!) and I was on one of the elipticals jamming out to one of my mixes on my iPod, and where some of the cardio equipment is located, you can look out below on the strength training equipment and weights are. I am not as in shape as I want to be...its not horrible, but I have been better toned.... but couldn't help but notice all those around me who are in way better shape than me, and then insecurities kick in and with that of course comparisons.

So I start thinking about myself, comparing myself with those around me, and wishing I looked more like them or whatnot. That started a trail of thoughts where I wondered what other areas of my life I compare myself to others, and where my insecurities are. The list got longer.

At my job, I do try to work hard, learn more, and perform adequately, yet as a new employee and a new pediatric nurse I find myself also comparing myself with my coworkers...not so much in a "I-want-to-be-better-than-them" sort of way, but in a "I-want-to-know-what-they-know" way.

In comparison to those I esteem in their walk with the Lord..."I want to be more diligent or disciplined like ___ "

Even though I am fighting the materialism in my nature, my very economical and helping-me-greatly-financially mode of transportation seems so dinky in comparison...but I don't need that right now!

So I continued on the eliptical wondering about how much of my daily thought life is built up of my comparisons and insecurities, and I am sure it takes up a majority of my thoughts that I am not aware of. And the truth is, probably most of the people I was comparing myself with that day at the gym (and every day since) are probably just as insecure or comparing themselves to others as well, and probably my coworkers, the people in the nicer cars than mine, etc...I know I am not the only one who does this, because we all are messed up. As my pastor often says, "Cheer up! You are a lot worse than you think you are!" I need to learn more about falling at the foot of the cross, and seeing myself only before Christ, not comparing myself to the fallen around me, who are just as I am. There is only One who gives me security, only One in Whom I can boast, and only He can save me from my constant self-centered thoughts. I am learning more and more about His grace, and LOVE the truth that His grace was not only for our salvation, but for every aspect of our lives.

Some Ramblings

Its funny how when I am away from my computer, or paper for that matter, I tend to think of everything possible that I want to blog about.... and now 3:00am, while I am keeping myself up to get ready for another week of night shift, I can't think of one of my many great blog ideas! What is the deal?!?! I am amusing myself as I type, because I go back and forth between the spanish keyboard and english keyboard on my computer (as I keep in touch with friends back in Peru) and I have just in these 3 minutes alone created some interesting words.

So I am once again keeping myself up as long as possible because I need to sleep all day today for night shift. I am officially off orientation at work, and now onto my first 7-on rotation. (Can I tell you how eager I am to get my first 7 off). Its funny how many plans I have already made for myself for my weeks off, but I am realizing now in my delirium that I have already shared that on here. Its funny how whenever I talk to someone about working night shift, people think I am crazy (I am already convinced that I am anyways), but really I think I am going to enjoy it. I will be able to go to church each week, I am single, so there is no one for me to come home to, it pays more, and on my 7 off I can be normal and hang out...but really on my work week because of the hours, I have been able to meet up with people for breakfast, early lunches, or dinner depending on the day. That's not bad! I love my job, and the girls I work with are great...but I have found a bit of joy in working nights at Children's. I like giving the parents a chance to rest, and the kids a chance to rest and me quietly doing my job or checking in on them so that their worn out bodies can recuperate. However, there have been a few nights that I found myself a bit bored. I may get more reading in than I thought I would!

My roommate and I came to a fun conclusion tonight... we had a progressional dinner with our singles group, and it was really fun! I have enjoyed plugging back in since I have been back, and it has been fun making new friends, and taking old friendships even deeper. Anyhow, like with any singles group in a church the ratio is more favorable for the guys, and tonight was no exception. It is always a good place though to be reminded to trust and wait on the Lord. So anyways, my roommate and I decided to have our own date nights every other week, and just go out-the two of us, not in search of anyone, but to have fun.

A few months ago at the singles retreat, a question was posed of why, if there were so many beautiful godly girls in the group, were the guys not asking them out.... so then an interesting discussion came about. I have often thought that it would be easier to be the guy, and though risking being turned down, still having the first step in pursuit. To me, it seems easier to have that role, than the one having to wait and trust in the Lord in His timing. Now its not that guys don't have to do that, their role just calls for the initiative. I know as a girl I have my own role in my interactions, but somehow in my general niceness I attract those I don't want to attract, and those who I do want to seem blind to my extra niceness. (Granted this is speaking over the course of several years.... a new trial period lies ahead!) Anyways, recently I went to a wedding and could bring a date....so I was placed in their shoes of risking, getting myself out there, and well in the end, I went alone. The thing was, the wedding was 2 hours away, I only knew the bride, her mom, and sister, and would drive back another 2 hours. Having company would have been nice, but I didn't want to ask just anyone. That amount of time in a car with the wrong person could have been worse than going by oneself. I wanted someone who we could carry on conversations with ease, and someone who wouldn't read into my asking them, and who I could be myself with. I am still getting to know the guys in the single's group, and only 2 came to mind in the "safe" category for me, hopefully that will change as I get to know them more. One couldn't that day, and as I building up the nerve to call the other, I found out he was going to be out of town. Anyways, that was a tangant all to end at the point of I still am leaning towards the end that guys have it easier. (anyone is welcome to comment and state their view if they want).

Along those lines though, I think back to that question posed at the singles retreat. So what if there are beautiful godly girls in the singles group.... maybe none of us strikes the fancy of the guys in the group. Is their only pool limited to us? No. I mean, I don't necesarily want to date all the guys in the group, and they should have the same freedom to not want to ask the girls out from this selection. And it should be a safe ground too, for friendships to be formed, and "getting to know your brother/sister's hearts", as was mentioned at the retreat. I am reading "A Scandalous Freedom" by Steve Brown right now, so I am pumped about all of the freedom in Christ, and that also relates to the dating scene! Heck! This freedom sounds great....I know I have made a fool out of myself before around a guy I like, and then overanalize my actions (which typically includes me moping or beating myself up about it). I have also built up my own protective walls (trying to) let someone get only so close, or I fear that I am attracting someone I am not interested in and fear either not being able to be free and say no, or hurting them or having them feel rejected because of my different tastes. Anyways, in these situations I have never allowed myself to be me and to be free. So what if I make a fool out of myself and someone thinks I am crazy (I have already been convinced that I am). So what if the guy I have had a crush on never notices me, I can be free not to be chained by a heavy false hope and enjoy the company when it is had, but enjoy the rest of life not bound to that. Freedom in Christ...in so many ways. Oh if only I would apply it!

.....it seems some of my blog ideas came to mind as I typed, but now my eyes aren't staying open, so I am going to catch a little shut eye before I get back up to work out. Thanks for humoring me by reading my ramblings...hopefully reading it didn't put you to sleep like typing it did for me!! But I am FREE to fall asleep while typing my blogs!! (And you are FREE to fall asleep while reading them!!)