As Iron Sharpens Iron

So yet another season is over, and I am very ok with it! There was a young gentleman in my life from Peru, and he and I had been praying and pursuing a relationship, but that chapter has recently closed, and it has been a beautiful thing. From even before it started I sought the Lord about it, and we had a DTR of sorts, and I have no doubt that the Lord wanted us together for that season. We established early on that the relationship would be built on Christ, and that we would seek Him in this, knowing in faith that He would lead us as He wanted. Including this relationship and one other I had about 10 years ago, I have had 2 relationships where Christ was the center, and I didn't have to keep bringing that up over and over again to the opposite party, but this time was reminded of that more by him. As in the relationship 10 years ago, Christ led us through it, and led us to end it at the same time, we were on the same page. What a beautiful and peaceful thing!

I am not heartbroken, but liberated...this season is over, and I know this is what God wants!

He is a genuinely great guy, and I do not have any bitter feelings towards him at all. I know without a doubt that the Lord wanted us in this relationship, and I truly feel that it was an "iron sharpening iron" relationship. He encouraged me in the Lord as I did him, and I know we are better people because of it. He had never been in a Christ-centered relationship, so I hope this was a great thing for him to experience.

When this relationship started, it was met with a lot of skepticism, and how it came across to me was moreso that people thought I was crazy, acting on an impulse, and not seeking the Lord on it- when the opposite was true. I sought the Lord, I had clarity that I was to be in this, and now that season is over. I know that if I had acted on an impulse and not sought the Lord, I never would have had peace throughout the relationship, nor would I have it now. I am eager to see what the Lord does next in my life, so moving on forward.....

A Conflict of Emotions...and then other thoughts

Many thoughts have run through my mind in the past few weeks...some due to gut-deep struggles, some superficial, some of which I tried battling on my own, others which I identified early on that I could only get through by prayer and relying on Christ.

One of the most recent ways I have seen God work in my heart was a few weekends ago when I went to be a part of a wedding of a dear friend. Some people might scoff at the idea of me posting this, but I would share this with her and am pretty open with my own sin and struggles. (Owning up to them is better than hiding them....in my opinion.) So my heart was being pruned in other areas in my life as well, but the week leading up to the wedding I tried living with two completely conflicting emotions...one of being truly and deeply excited for my good friend and the part of life she was about to embark on, and the other of being truly and deeply not excited for me, and how that part of life that I have always dreamed about and desired is so far away from me. I recognized that was a true and understandable emotion to have, but it was also selfish, because that weekend was definetly not about me in any way. I earnestly prayed about these conflicting emotions, because I know if I were to have left them unaddressed that the latter would have turned into bitterness or me feeling as if God owed me something. (What bride wants a bitter maid of honor at her side? And God doesn't owe me anything....He already gave me everything! Its me who owes a debt I cannot pay and it is He who isn't keeping a tally of IOU's). I was so grateful to have another friend by my side that weekend who was also in the wedding. I shared with her my struggles early on before all the wedding weekend activities began, and she was struggling a bit too. We prayed together that the Lord would take away our selfish feelings and thoughts and that the true excitement deep within us would push out the opposite feeling. What a great God we have, because the next morning I can honestly say that my selfish potentially bitter feelings were gone! And they stayed gone the whole weekend! (They started to creep in a bit towards the end of the reception..... and I didn't fight it when it hit hardcore on the drive home...though I should have.) It was just such a relief to have them gone and to be able to enjoy the weekend with my friend, by her side, supporting her and being fully excited for her without the other emotions attacking me. Oh, and I only got one of those "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" comments...though not exactly said as such, the general meaning was behind it. (Thats just not the right chord to strum on the heartstrings of a woman who does desire marriage.) I just told them to get on their knees pray for it too, because I had no say in His timing. The weekend got me thinking too that guys probably don't struggle with this like girls do. I don't imagine a single guy getting ready to be a best man struggling the week of a wedding about not being at that point in life yet..... but then again I don't know any guys who have dreamt about that day like us girls do. Mars and Venus.

All this came about while there were some struggles with a potential someone in my life, on top of some encouraging conversations with someone I was interested in a few years ago, then some friends going through some really rough times (and I am always prone to take on other people's burdens), hard days at work, and other dear and younger friends of mine going down the altar before me (as if its some kind of race!). That comment thrown at me for the way my inner sinful self thinks I am entitled to stuff or that things aren't going how I thought they would or whatever. I know that God has a different story for each person...Praise Him that we don't have cookie cutter lives! And praise Him that He is a better judge than me for what is best for me, because I sure do think I have that answer, but so often I don't know what I want, so how can I know what I need?

Yet I realize that there are some amazing things with being in the stage of life I am in.... granted some of them would be so fun to do with a life companion, but I am not going to let life pass me by either. And who's to say if I ever will have that companion? Besides the call to serve where and how I can, I want to take advantage of the time I will have as I start my 7 on 7 off schedule in a few weeks at my job. For example.... I am going to Peru in September to visit my friends there, later in September I am going skydiving with some friends and hiking with my Dad.... Later in the fall there is a possible trip to Boston, maybe NYC. I am also hoping to work it out to have all my student loans paid off in 6 months too. That would be so great!! I am hoping to go visit my brother and his family in St Louis also on some of my off weeks. (I probably have idealized these off weeks way more than realistically I should) but I also would love to start to paint more and maybe learn the violin. Maybe I can also sprout some wings and fly! Just kidding.... we'll see though... the others are more realistic. In the midst of typing up this blog, I started dreaming about going to Italy and Greece (which I have always wanted to do) and looked up a tour and got myself all worked up about that too!

So I realize that I have just typed up a whole bunch of jabber, but in doing so, it always gives me a fresh perspective on things, and helps me see beyond myself. So I am glad that God is WAY bigger than me and knows what is best, and that His creativity goes WAY beyond what I would come up with for myself...when I want the cookie cutter, He breaks the mold and does what He wants. I like that! And I can truly type at this moment right now, I am content on where He has me.

The Humbling Truth... I am loved

I have for a long time not doubted my Father's love for me, for it is the most pure, and I have His word full of His promises. I need not to seek validation from any other source, because His love alone and who He is validates me. But yea, my flesh longs to be validated, seeks to measure up some how. What a fight. 

If there is one thing that I humbly saw in my last days in Peru and my first days back in the States, is that I am loved, not only by my awesome God, but by my sweet family and friends. Tears, hugs, letters, notes, phone calls, texts, emails, and simple presence of others has shown me, that truthfully if I ever doubted that others loved me, those doubts would be destroyed instantly by how much love was shown to me by those I left behind in Peru and by those who greeted me here in the States.

In fact, I wish that everyone could have the experience of having some time away to meet new people, have them love you, and leave them to come back to people who have missed you so that they can also express their love for you. I write this humbly, because I don't deserve it, but am so blessed by it. I know that I am loved, and that is a nice thing to know.

Now on that theme, there is a side note that for a long time I have wanted to spill out of my brain onto paper or onto this blog, but it hasn't made it there or here until now. There was one time in my life that I loved someone and he loved me, and though that was a phase in our lives and I hope God has healed him as He has me, but a comment was made to me during that phase of my life by one of my Peruvian friends. He said to me (translated of course), "There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who is in love. It is obvious when she is loved."

I have thought about that since then and have asked myself, if that is true.... why is it not obvious on my face or in my eyes (or whatever it was that my friend saw it), everyday, when I am loved so much and unconditionally by my Father it should be obvious in my face. It also should be obvious that I love Him..... but I fear that it often isn't, and that if love between frail and sinful people can show up on my face, I sure hope that the love that my Father has for me and my attempt to be in love with Him shows up on my face too. 

Thoughts on a song

Obviously music is important to me, and I am touched by a lot of songs and lyrics. Here is one, that most recently touched me upon my return to the States and leaving dear friends behind in Peru.
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Here's My Life    by Barlowgirl

Once again I said my goodbyes  

To those I love most
My heart feels that familiar pain
As I long for home

‘Cause this road is hard
When I feel so far

God I’m crying out tonight
‘Cause I’ve given you my life
But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind
So once more here’s my life

On the day that you’ve called my name
All that I knew changed
I found when I said yes that I’d never be the same

Though the call is hard
You are worth it all

God I’m crying out tonight
‘Cause I’ve given you my life
But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind
So once more

Even when the tears are falling
When I find I fear the calling
You remind me
Words you’ve spoken over my life
Promises I’ve yet to see
You comfort me

God I’m crying out tonight
‘Cause I’ve given you my life
But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind
So once more

God I’m crying out tonight
‘Cause I’ve given you my life
But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind
So once more here’s my life

--------------------------------------------------------

I can relate to most of these lyrics... saying goodbye is a hard thing, and when I left Peru, I ended up doing it twice because my flight wasn't able to take off. But it was a hard, yet beautiful thing in saying goodbye.  In this transition, I am mentally and emotionally tired, and often missing what is behind, but I also acknowledge that great things can be ahead. 

But what I don't agree with in these lyrics for my life, is that the promises that the Lord has given me, I have seen them, and I have seen Him time after time fulfill His promises and He is always faithful. 

He  IS  always worth it all, and my life is always HIS, whether I acknowledge it or not. As my pastor said this past week after a power surge at the church affecting worship, "Control is an illusion". Do we really have any control? No. But we sure do think we do, and even if we acknowledge that we don't, we sure like to live with the appearance that we do. God has full control, and how often do we want to submit to that control? I have seen so often that His way is always best. So even in the low times that I may have, I have this underlying hope and joy that He has given me, and I am eager to see what He has around the corner. 

Be Thou My Vision

Before I left Peru, many of my friends down there were asking me what I was thinking and how I was feeling about leaving. I was often asked if it was easier or harder. For me I answered that it was harder to leave. Maybe that was because being that I was from the States, I knew 2 1/2 years ago that when I left, I would have to come back..... and this time in leaving a country, as much as I want to and plan to come back, anything can happen, and it isn't as definte as my coming back stateside.

But what I thought was more the case was not having a "vision". When I left the States I had a vision of what I would be doing in Peru and it was something to be excited about, but as I was leaving Peru, I didn't have a "vision" to be excited about. So that is what I began to tell people....

....So, before my last Sunday, Michael Salvatierra (another missionary who is there with his family) and I were going to practice for an instrumental special for my last church service. We hadn't picked out anything at that point, and he asked me what I wanted to play. (Me on my flute, and him on his guitar). I suggested a hymn, and the first one that came to mind was "Be Thou My Vision". So we began to play. As we were playing, I was saying the words in my head, and the Holy Spirit convicted me, and clearly God spoke to my heart saying, "You don't need a specific 'vision' upon your return, but let ME be your 'vision'. " I shared that on that Sunday before we played the duet.

Because of that, it was a nice reminder that it is ok not to know what is coming next, and that I don't need a "vision" if the Lord of all types of visions is my vision!

Expecting to not be Understood

I am back. 

Back in the States, after 2 years 6 months and 29 days of living in Peru, speaking Spanish on a daily if not hourly basis, adapting to a different, yet beautiful culture, investing into other lives, and being invested in as well. 

My life has changed. I see life differently than I did before. I have a bajillion stories. I have seen God's hand move and work in amazing ways. And now I am back to what has been in the past and could be once again....mundane. 

My values have changed, in that the priorities I have in life I want to act out more that they are priorities than I want to talk about them. I feel that so often we talk about what really matters to us, but in the end, the actions show that WE really matter to us.  We say the common answer of God, family, friends.... etc. But so often our busy-ness defines us and the order is reversed to be us, family, friends, and God.... 

I am not expecting to be understood during this period of transition.... in fact, I am sure I won't understand everything that I think or feel as I readapt either, and that is ok. What I know, is that I have an awesome God who lead me to Peru, who holds my heart, who understands me and will lead me in these days.  Its ok if I am not understood... and its ok if I don't understand either.

  

Too Much to Write.... Too Little Time

There is too much to write, and too little time. Oh how I wish I could just have a day, without work or errands, a day to escape, a day to write, whether to catch up on my journal, or scribble the many wild thoughts I have had, be them deep or flighty.

It seems life is running away with me, but its moving way faster than I can keep up with it. 

High points, low points, learning points, all of them I want and need to hash out on paper or on the screen.... if only it weren't 3:15 am my time and if only I weren't so tired to stay on this and hash things out. 

What are you doing Lord? You are not a God of confusion, but where is the clarity I have been praying for? What do you have for me? I am coming upon a huge change and I have never felt so lost.  Please, please.... just a hint, just a glimpse of the bigger picture.  

This World

"This world has nothing for me, and this world has everything." 

Caedmon's Call

A whole new generation of Christians has come up believing that it is possible to ‘accept’ Christ without forsaking the world.” 

A.W. Tozer

I am so guilty of this! And I struggle. As I type this I know that I want something better for my life, but at the same time, I wonder if I will ever break free of the bonds on me. I have a better understanding now after living overseas what life is really about, and its not about the fleeting things that I still chase after! Music, movies, materialism, the internet, and the list could go on.

I went shopping tonight at a mall nearby, and I don't know why, but lately shopping has lost its luster for me. (which is probably a good thing). I had a low day, and was tired of my own thoughts that were becoming a huge distraction to my work, but I didn't want or need the company of others, and I didn't want my thoughts to be spoken if I were with someone. I did have a reason for going, but later realized a side motive was also to have a "pick-me-up". 

All over the place is the message: "You need this!" "You deserve this!" "This would look great on you!" "Its such a great deal!" Such a "positive" atmosphere, that more often than not the consumer leaves unsatisfied or negative. (Hmm... that really didn't fill this void did it?)

We are so often tempted to chase after "lovers less wild". How often my flesh wants to go to music, TV, movies, shopping, food, etc for escapes.... When I am only filled by my God. On the way home my taxi driver took me through a ritzier area to get to where I am housesitting. I say ritzier, knowing that the area I went through is considered ritzy here, but would be considered upper middle class back in the states. My stomach turned. Money, something so many take for granted, yet others die because they don't have it... whether of starvation or no health care. 

I don't want to stay in this vain rut. Is there a balance in sharing blessings and allowing yourself to be blessed? If there is a balance, what does it look like?

This Girl I Know

As a wilting flower, she waits...

Will she be watered?

She wants to cry for help

But is too dry

If it isn't because of sun,

its the heavy shadow overhead.

She gave herself away

Believing the lies of love...

some of his speaking,

some of her own convincing

She keeps falling into the same routine

And always comes out heartbroken

She wants to give up on them

But that is where she feels loved

She is crying, she is scared

Will this flower stop wilting

Will she be beautiful again

She is His treasure, His lovely one

But will she ever understand that?

How I wish I could convince her

When I look her in the eyes

Will she see the sincerity and truth I speak?

Or will she look within instead of upwards

For her worth and beauty

Sweet child of God-

THEY can't complete you-HE can

THEY will never treasure you as HE does

Your full beauty is seen only by HIM

My sweet Father, help me tell her

Give me the strength to always speak your truth to her,

Give her heart ears to hear.

Mixed Emotions

Excited to be coming home
Excited to be here
Sad to leave this behind
Scared to go back

Many sweet memories and treasured moments are often remembered.
Everyday is sweeter and not as mundane
The things that annoy me, now strike me as things I'll miss
Those that are so dear to me, I already cry for the loss
How great it would be to have the best of both worlds.

Yet on the other side of the world,
How much of it is my mind's curiosity or the pull of my heart towards something once treasured? That I wonder of their well-being.
or maybe because I wasn't the only one left with questions,
or am I now forgetting the hard times?
I am confused for still caring,
And moving forward is in reality different than moving on.
I suppose it is ok to think about something once invested in,
but to not let it consume you.
I wish it were as easy to forget than be forgotten, or to leave than be left.
All I know is that the best replacement for all these thoughts are prayers....

So if anyone's ears are burning out there, it may just be
because I am talking about you to Him......

and truly wishing good things for you.