Here goes more vulnerability

So last week I had some rough days as a single. I would consider myself overall content in my single situation, however last week I had a few low days. I started thinking about it, and had to come to my blog to realize that about this time last year I was going through the same funk. Last time it was due to a lie I was being told about being forgotten by God. This time it was different.

I don't know what it was that set it off for me this time, but it was as if every one of my senses became acutely aware of my solitary state, and my normal longing evolved to a deep despair as if one of my heart's desires was not going to come to pass. I got away....went to Spain park, laid out on a blanket with my bible, my journal, and the fall sun and had a heart to heart with God. I think for me this time the issue was not that I couldn't trust God, but I had to verbalize to Him that truthfully in the deepest part of me I fear that He doesn't have a companion for me in His plans. I love that even though there is absolutely nothing I can hide from Him, and He already knows this deep fear in my heart, that I can still be straight up with Him, and He's ok with hearing it.

Later that day I go to a meeting, where I was the only person there unmarried, and became even further aware of my situation. I really felt like hiding or escaping, and half the time I did feel like a wallflower. And I thought about family and friends, and to those who are married I felt even more alienated. I can't expect my parents to understand, they married at 22. I can't expect my brother and sister-in-law to understand, they married about that age too. Though I know I am not alone in this, I feel like I have to fight through this on my own.

Now I can preach to myself all day and night. I know that He is sovereign, and that it is written in His plans whether or not I will remain single or not, and there is nothing I can do to thwart that. However the distance from my head of knowledge to my heart of fear is quite far. Yet I remind myself of a lesson God taught me after the end of one of my past relationships. Either (1) God has someone better for me out there or (2) God has a life of singleness for me, and that life of singleness would be better than a life married to _fill in the blank_ or to anyone else out there.

So about the time I have myself through that spell I go to Sunday school. We are in a new series of Life in the Body and the single life, and Sunday's lesson got to the core of many feelings that singles have...being that some of us may be angry at God, or some of us feel that there is something unlovable about us, or that we are single now because of some past or present sin in our lives. It was a good gut-wrenching talk, which resurfaced my issues all over again. So in my current situation, I don't think that one of the 3 issues we talked about fit per say what I was working through at this time...but they have in the past, or they come in waves. So why do I fear? Is it a trust factor? I know part of it is that I long for this desire of my heart to be a desire of His heart for me too.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:14

Where He Wants Me

I got back a few days ago from a visit to Peru. It was the first time I went back since I came home in February. It was a great visit in all, and I wasn't sure what it would be like for me going back and then coming back here again, but God is good. I walked the streets of Salamanca and other parts of Lima, and while it was all so familiar, and a place I used to call home, I had the continuous sense that I am not called there now. (Which is good since I am in Birmingham!) It was one of my homes, but it is not my home. And when the time came for me to leave, I was ready. I wanted to get home, I wanted to go back to work, I wanted to go back to my church. I know God wants me in Birmingham right now, and have known that.... but it was nice to have a further confirmation to my heart while I was in a country I used to serve in.

Many people ask me still about my transition back to the States, and I have heard horror stories for some people coming back. But I truly feel like my transition has been great, and one huge reason why is that I know that I am where He wants me, and I can rest in that, even when all else is crazy around me.

In Comparison

So there I was, at the gym (I just joined last week...so much fun!!!) and I was on one of the elipticals jamming out to one of my mixes on my iPod, and where some of the cardio equipment is located, you can look out below on the strength training equipment and weights are. I am not as in shape as I want to be...its not horrible, but I have been better toned.... but couldn't help but notice all those around me who are in way better shape than me, and then insecurities kick in and with that of course comparisons.

So I start thinking about myself, comparing myself with those around me, and wishing I looked more like them or whatnot. That started a trail of thoughts where I wondered what other areas of my life I compare myself to others, and where my insecurities are. The list got longer.

At my job, I do try to work hard, learn more, and perform adequately, yet as a new employee and a new pediatric nurse I find myself also comparing myself with my coworkers...not so much in a "I-want-to-be-better-than-them" sort of way, but in a "I-want-to-know-what-they-know" way.

In comparison to those I esteem in their walk with the Lord..."I want to be more diligent or disciplined like ___ "

Even though I am fighting the materialism in my nature, my very economical and helping-me-greatly-financially mode of transportation seems so dinky in comparison...but I don't need that right now!

So I continued on the eliptical wondering about how much of my daily thought life is built up of my comparisons and insecurities, and I am sure it takes up a majority of my thoughts that I am not aware of. And the truth is, probably most of the people I was comparing myself with that day at the gym (and every day since) are probably just as insecure or comparing themselves to others as well, and probably my coworkers, the people in the nicer cars than mine, etc...I know I am not the only one who does this, because we all are messed up. As my pastor often says, "Cheer up! You are a lot worse than you think you are!" I need to learn more about falling at the foot of the cross, and seeing myself only before Christ, not comparing myself to the fallen around me, who are just as I am. There is only One who gives me security, only One in Whom I can boast, and only He can save me from my constant self-centered thoughts. I am learning more and more about His grace, and LOVE the truth that His grace was not only for our salvation, but for every aspect of our lives.

Some Ramblings

Its funny how when I am away from my computer, or paper for that matter, I tend to think of everything possible that I want to blog about.... and now 3:00am, while I am keeping myself up to get ready for another week of night shift, I can't think of one of my many great blog ideas! What is the deal?!?! I am amusing myself as I type, because I go back and forth between the spanish keyboard and english keyboard on my computer (as I keep in touch with friends back in Peru) and I have just in these 3 minutes alone created some interesting words.

So I am once again keeping myself up as long as possible because I need to sleep all day today for night shift. I am officially off orientation at work, and now onto my first 7-on rotation. (Can I tell you how eager I am to get my first 7 off). Its funny how many plans I have already made for myself for my weeks off, but I am realizing now in my delirium that I have already shared that on here. Its funny how whenever I talk to someone about working night shift, people think I am crazy (I am already convinced that I am anyways), but really I think I am going to enjoy it. I will be able to go to church each week, I am single, so there is no one for me to come home to, it pays more, and on my 7 off I can be normal and hang out...but really on my work week because of the hours, I have been able to meet up with people for breakfast, early lunches, or dinner depending on the day. That's not bad! I love my job, and the girls I work with are great...but I have found a bit of joy in working nights at Children's. I like giving the parents a chance to rest, and the kids a chance to rest and me quietly doing my job or checking in on them so that their worn out bodies can recuperate. However, there have been a few nights that I found myself a bit bored. I may get more reading in than I thought I would!

My roommate and I came to a fun conclusion tonight... we had a progressional dinner with our singles group, and it was really fun! I have enjoyed plugging back in since I have been back, and it has been fun making new friends, and taking old friendships even deeper. Anyhow, like with any singles group in a church the ratio is more favorable for the guys, and tonight was no exception. It is always a good place though to be reminded to trust and wait on the Lord. So anyways, my roommate and I decided to have our own date nights every other week, and just go out-the two of us, not in search of anyone, but to have fun.

A few months ago at the singles retreat, a question was posed of why, if there were so many beautiful godly girls in the group, were the guys not asking them out.... so then an interesting discussion came about. I have often thought that it would be easier to be the guy, and though risking being turned down, still having the first step in pursuit. To me, it seems easier to have that role, than the one having to wait and trust in the Lord in His timing. Now its not that guys don't have to do that, their role just calls for the initiative. I know as a girl I have my own role in my interactions, but somehow in my general niceness I attract those I don't want to attract, and those who I do want to seem blind to my extra niceness. (Granted this is speaking over the course of several years.... a new trial period lies ahead!) Anyways, recently I went to a wedding and could bring a date....so I was placed in their shoes of risking, getting myself out there, and well in the end, I went alone. The thing was, the wedding was 2 hours away, I only knew the bride, her mom, and sister, and would drive back another 2 hours. Having company would have been nice, but I didn't want to ask just anyone. That amount of time in a car with the wrong person could have been worse than going by oneself. I wanted someone who we could carry on conversations with ease, and someone who wouldn't read into my asking them, and who I could be myself with. I am still getting to know the guys in the single's group, and only 2 came to mind in the "safe" category for me, hopefully that will change as I get to know them more. One couldn't that day, and as I building up the nerve to call the other, I found out he was going to be out of town. Anyways, that was a tangant all to end at the point of I still am leaning towards the end that guys have it easier. (anyone is welcome to comment and state their view if they want).

Along those lines though, I think back to that question posed at the singles retreat. So what if there are beautiful godly girls in the singles group.... maybe none of us strikes the fancy of the guys in the group. Is their only pool limited to us? No. I mean, I don't necesarily want to date all the guys in the group, and they should have the same freedom to not want to ask the girls out from this selection. And it should be a safe ground too, for friendships to be formed, and "getting to know your brother/sister's hearts", as was mentioned at the retreat. I am reading "A Scandalous Freedom" by Steve Brown right now, so I am pumped about all of the freedom in Christ, and that also relates to the dating scene! Heck! This freedom sounds great....I know I have made a fool out of myself before around a guy I like, and then overanalize my actions (which typically includes me moping or beating myself up about it). I have also built up my own protective walls (trying to) let someone get only so close, or I fear that I am attracting someone I am not interested in and fear either not being able to be free and say no, or hurting them or having them feel rejected because of my different tastes. Anyways, in these situations I have never allowed myself to be me and to be free. So what if I make a fool out of myself and someone thinks I am crazy (I have already been convinced that I am). So what if the guy I have had a crush on never notices me, I can be free not to be chained by a heavy false hope and enjoy the company when it is had, but enjoy the rest of life not bound to that. Freedom in Christ...in so many ways. Oh if only I would apply it!

.....it seems some of my blog ideas came to mind as I typed, but now my eyes aren't staying open, so I am going to catch a little shut eye before I get back up to work out. Thanks for humoring me by reading my ramblings...hopefully reading it didn't put you to sleep like typing it did for me!! But I am FREE to fall asleep while typing my blogs!! (And you are FREE to fall asleep while reading them!!)

As Iron Sharpens Iron

So yet another season is over, and I am very ok with it! There was a young gentleman in my life from Peru, and he and I had been praying and pursuing a relationship, but that chapter has recently closed, and it has been a beautiful thing. From even before it started I sought the Lord about it, and we had a DTR of sorts, and I have no doubt that the Lord wanted us together for that season. We established early on that the relationship would be built on Christ, and that we would seek Him in this, knowing in faith that He would lead us as He wanted. Including this relationship and one other I had about 10 years ago, I have had 2 relationships where Christ was the center, and I didn't have to keep bringing that up over and over again to the opposite party, but this time was reminded of that more by him. As in the relationship 10 years ago, Christ led us through it, and led us to end it at the same time, we were on the same page. What a beautiful and peaceful thing!

I am not heartbroken, but liberated...this season is over, and I know this is what God wants!

He is a genuinely great guy, and I do not have any bitter feelings towards him at all. I know without a doubt that the Lord wanted us in this relationship, and I truly feel that it was an "iron sharpening iron" relationship. He encouraged me in the Lord as I did him, and I know we are better people because of it. He had never been in a Christ-centered relationship, so I hope this was a great thing for him to experience.

When this relationship started, it was met with a lot of skepticism, and how it came across to me was moreso that people thought I was crazy, acting on an impulse, and not seeking the Lord on it- when the opposite was true. I sought the Lord, I had clarity that I was to be in this, and now that season is over. I know that if I had acted on an impulse and not sought the Lord, I never would have had peace throughout the relationship, nor would I have it now. I am eager to see what the Lord does next in my life, so moving on forward.....

A Conflict of Emotions...and then other thoughts

Many thoughts have run through my mind in the past few weeks...some due to gut-deep struggles, some superficial, some of which I tried battling on my own, others which I identified early on that I could only get through by prayer and relying on Christ.

One of the most recent ways I have seen God work in my heart was a few weekends ago when I went to be a part of a wedding of a dear friend. Some people might scoff at the idea of me posting this, but I would share this with her and am pretty open with my own sin and struggles. (Owning up to them is better than hiding them....in my opinion.) So my heart was being pruned in other areas in my life as well, but the week leading up to the wedding I tried living with two completely conflicting emotions...one of being truly and deeply excited for my good friend and the part of life she was about to embark on, and the other of being truly and deeply not excited for me, and how that part of life that I have always dreamed about and desired is so far away from me. I recognized that was a true and understandable emotion to have, but it was also selfish, because that weekend was definetly not about me in any way. I earnestly prayed about these conflicting emotions, because I know if I were to have left them unaddressed that the latter would have turned into bitterness or me feeling as if God owed me something. (What bride wants a bitter maid of honor at her side? And God doesn't owe me anything....He already gave me everything! Its me who owes a debt I cannot pay and it is He who isn't keeping a tally of IOU's). I was so grateful to have another friend by my side that weekend who was also in the wedding. I shared with her my struggles early on before all the wedding weekend activities began, and she was struggling a bit too. We prayed together that the Lord would take away our selfish feelings and thoughts and that the true excitement deep within us would push out the opposite feeling. What a great God we have, because the next morning I can honestly say that my selfish potentially bitter feelings were gone! And they stayed gone the whole weekend! (They started to creep in a bit towards the end of the reception..... and I didn't fight it when it hit hardcore on the drive home...though I should have.) It was just such a relief to have them gone and to be able to enjoy the weekend with my friend, by her side, supporting her and being fully excited for her without the other emotions attacking me. Oh, and I only got one of those "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" comments...though not exactly said as such, the general meaning was behind it. (Thats just not the right chord to strum on the heartstrings of a woman who does desire marriage.) I just told them to get on their knees pray for it too, because I had no say in His timing. The weekend got me thinking too that guys probably don't struggle with this like girls do. I don't imagine a single guy getting ready to be a best man struggling the week of a wedding about not being at that point in life yet..... but then again I don't know any guys who have dreamt about that day like us girls do. Mars and Venus.

All this came about while there were some struggles with a potential someone in my life, on top of some encouraging conversations with someone I was interested in a few years ago, then some friends going through some really rough times (and I am always prone to take on other people's burdens), hard days at work, and other dear and younger friends of mine going down the altar before me (as if its some kind of race!). That comment thrown at me for the way my inner sinful self thinks I am entitled to stuff or that things aren't going how I thought they would or whatever. I know that God has a different story for each person...Praise Him that we don't have cookie cutter lives! And praise Him that He is a better judge than me for what is best for me, because I sure do think I have that answer, but so often I don't know what I want, so how can I know what I need?

Yet I realize that there are some amazing things with being in the stage of life I am in.... granted some of them would be so fun to do with a life companion, but I am not going to let life pass me by either. And who's to say if I ever will have that companion? Besides the call to serve where and how I can, I want to take advantage of the time I will have as I start my 7 on 7 off schedule in a few weeks at my job. For example.... I am going to Peru in September to visit my friends there, later in September I am going skydiving with some friends and hiking with my Dad.... Later in the fall there is a possible trip to Boston, maybe NYC. I am also hoping to work it out to have all my student loans paid off in 6 months too. That would be so great!! I am hoping to go visit my brother and his family in St Louis also on some of my off weeks. (I probably have idealized these off weeks way more than realistically I should) but I also would love to start to paint more and maybe learn the violin. Maybe I can also sprout some wings and fly! Just kidding.... we'll see though... the others are more realistic. In the midst of typing up this blog, I started dreaming about going to Italy and Greece (which I have always wanted to do) and looked up a tour and got myself all worked up about that too!

So I realize that I have just typed up a whole bunch of jabber, but in doing so, it always gives me a fresh perspective on things, and helps me see beyond myself. So I am glad that God is WAY bigger than me and knows what is best, and that His creativity goes WAY beyond what I would come up with for myself...when I want the cookie cutter, He breaks the mold and does what He wants. I like that! And I can truly type at this moment right now, I am content on where He has me.

The Humbling Truth... I am loved

I have for a long time not doubted my Father's love for me, for it is the most pure, and I have His word full of His promises. I need not to seek validation from any other source, because His love alone and who He is validates me. But yea, my flesh longs to be validated, seeks to measure up some how. What a fight. 

If there is one thing that I humbly saw in my last days in Peru and my first days back in the States, is that I am loved, not only by my awesome God, but by my sweet family and friends. Tears, hugs, letters, notes, phone calls, texts, emails, and simple presence of others has shown me, that truthfully if I ever doubted that others loved me, those doubts would be destroyed instantly by how much love was shown to me by those I left behind in Peru and by those who greeted me here in the States.

In fact, I wish that everyone could have the experience of having some time away to meet new people, have them love you, and leave them to come back to people who have missed you so that they can also express their love for you. I write this humbly, because I don't deserve it, but am so blessed by it. I know that I am loved, and that is a nice thing to know.

Now on that theme, there is a side note that for a long time I have wanted to spill out of my brain onto paper or onto this blog, but it hasn't made it there or here until now. There was one time in my life that I loved someone and he loved me, and though that was a phase in our lives and I hope God has healed him as He has me, but a comment was made to me during that phase of my life by one of my Peruvian friends. He said to me (translated of course), "There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who is in love. It is obvious when she is loved."

I have thought about that since then and have asked myself, if that is true.... why is it not obvious on my face or in my eyes (or whatever it was that my friend saw it), everyday, when I am loved so much and unconditionally by my Father it should be obvious in my face. It also should be obvious that I love Him..... but I fear that it often isn't, and that if love between frail and sinful people can show up on my face, I sure hope that the love that my Father has for me and my attempt to be in love with Him shows up on my face too. 

Thoughts on a song

Obviously music is important to me, and I am touched by a lot of songs and lyrics. Here is one, that most recently touched me upon my return to the States and leaving dear friends behind in Peru.
---------------------------------------------
Here's My Life    by Barlowgirl

Once again I said my goodbyes  

To those I love most
My heart feels that familiar pain
As I long for home

‘Cause this road is hard
When I feel so far

God I’m crying out tonight
‘Cause I’ve given you my life
But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind
So once more here’s my life

On the day that you’ve called my name
All that I knew changed
I found when I said yes that I’d never be the same

Though the call is hard
You are worth it all

God I’m crying out tonight
‘Cause I’ve given you my life
But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind
So once more

Even when the tears are falling
When I find I fear the calling
You remind me
Words you’ve spoken over my life
Promises I’ve yet to see
You comfort me

God I’m crying out tonight
‘Cause I’ve given you my life
But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind
So once more

God I’m crying out tonight
‘Cause I’ve given you my life
But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind
So once more here’s my life

--------------------------------------------------------

I can relate to most of these lyrics... saying goodbye is a hard thing, and when I left Peru, I ended up doing it twice because my flight wasn't able to take off. But it was a hard, yet beautiful thing in saying goodbye.  In this transition, I am mentally and emotionally tired, and often missing what is behind, but I also acknowledge that great things can be ahead. 

But what I don't agree with in these lyrics for my life, is that the promises that the Lord has given me, I have seen them, and I have seen Him time after time fulfill His promises and He is always faithful. 

He  IS  always worth it all, and my life is always HIS, whether I acknowledge it or not. As my pastor said this past week after a power surge at the church affecting worship, "Control is an illusion". Do we really have any control? No. But we sure do think we do, and even if we acknowledge that we don't, we sure like to live with the appearance that we do. God has full control, and how often do we want to submit to that control? I have seen so often that His way is always best. So even in the low times that I may have, I have this underlying hope and joy that He has given me, and I am eager to see what He has around the corner. 

Be Thou My Vision

Before I left Peru, many of my friends down there were asking me what I was thinking and how I was feeling about leaving. I was often asked if it was easier or harder. For me I answered that it was harder to leave. Maybe that was because being that I was from the States, I knew 2 1/2 years ago that when I left, I would have to come back..... and this time in leaving a country, as much as I want to and plan to come back, anything can happen, and it isn't as definte as my coming back stateside.

But what I thought was more the case was not having a "vision". When I left the States I had a vision of what I would be doing in Peru and it was something to be excited about, but as I was leaving Peru, I didn't have a "vision" to be excited about. So that is what I began to tell people....

....So, before my last Sunday, Michael Salvatierra (another missionary who is there with his family) and I were going to practice for an instrumental special for my last church service. We hadn't picked out anything at that point, and he asked me what I wanted to play. (Me on my flute, and him on his guitar). I suggested a hymn, and the first one that came to mind was "Be Thou My Vision". So we began to play. As we were playing, I was saying the words in my head, and the Holy Spirit convicted me, and clearly God spoke to my heart saying, "You don't need a specific 'vision' upon your return, but let ME be your 'vision'. " I shared that on that Sunday before we played the duet.

Because of that, it was a nice reminder that it is ok not to know what is coming next, and that I don't need a "vision" if the Lord of all types of visions is my vision!

Expecting to not be Understood

I am back. 

Back in the States, after 2 years 6 months and 29 days of living in Peru, speaking Spanish on a daily if not hourly basis, adapting to a different, yet beautiful culture, investing into other lives, and being invested in as well. 

My life has changed. I see life differently than I did before. I have a bajillion stories. I have seen God's hand move and work in amazing ways. And now I am back to what has been in the past and could be once again....mundane. 

My values have changed, in that the priorities I have in life I want to act out more that they are priorities than I want to talk about them. I feel that so often we talk about what really matters to us, but in the end, the actions show that WE really matter to us.  We say the common answer of God, family, friends.... etc. But so often our busy-ness defines us and the order is reversed to be us, family, friends, and God.... 

I am not expecting to be understood during this period of transition.... in fact, I am sure I won't understand everything that I think or feel as I readapt either, and that is ok. What I know, is that I have an awesome God who lead me to Peru, who holds my heart, who understands me and will lead me in these days.  Its ok if I am not understood... and its ok if I don't understand either.