As Iron Sharpens Iron

So yet another season is over, and I am very ok with it! There was a young gentleman in my life from Peru, and he and I had been praying and pursuing a relationship, but that chapter has recently closed, and it has been a beautiful thing. From even before it started I sought the Lord about it, and we had a DTR of sorts, and I have no doubt that the Lord wanted us together for that season. We established early on that the relationship would be built on Christ, and that we would seek Him in this, knowing in faith that He would lead us as He wanted. Including this relationship and one other I had about 10 years ago, I have had 2 relationships where Christ was the center, and I didn't have to keep bringing that up over and over again to the opposite party, but this time was reminded of that more by him. As in the relationship 10 years ago, Christ led us through it, and led us to end it at the same time, we were on the same page. What a beautiful and peaceful thing!

I am not heartbroken, but liberated...this season is over, and I know this is what God wants!

He is a genuinely great guy, and I do not have any bitter feelings towards him at all. I know without a doubt that the Lord wanted us in this relationship, and I truly feel that it was an "iron sharpening iron" relationship. He encouraged me in the Lord as I did him, and I know we are better people because of it. He had never been in a Christ-centered relationship, so I hope this was a great thing for him to experience.

When this relationship started, it was met with a lot of skepticism, and how it came across to me was moreso that people thought I was crazy, acting on an impulse, and not seeking the Lord on it- when the opposite was true. I sought the Lord, I had clarity that I was to be in this, and now that season is over. I know that if I had acted on an impulse and not sought the Lord, I never would have had peace throughout the relationship, nor would I have it now. I am eager to see what the Lord does next in my life, so moving on forward.....

A Conflict of Emotions...and then other thoughts

Many thoughts have run through my mind in the past few weeks...some due to gut-deep struggles, some superficial, some of which I tried battling on my own, others which I identified early on that I could only get through by prayer and relying on Christ.

One of the most recent ways I have seen God work in my heart was a few weekends ago when I went to be a part of a wedding of a dear friend. Some people might scoff at the idea of me posting this, but I would share this with her and am pretty open with my own sin and struggles. (Owning up to them is better than hiding them....in my opinion.) So my heart was being pruned in other areas in my life as well, but the week leading up to the wedding I tried living with two completely conflicting emotions...one of being truly and deeply excited for my good friend and the part of life she was about to embark on, and the other of being truly and deeply not excited for me, and how that part of life that I have always dreamed about and desired is so far away from me. I recognized that was a true and understandable emotion to have, but it was also selfish, because that weekend was definetly not about me in any way. I earnestly prayed about these conflicting emotions, because I know if I were to have left them unaddressed that the latter would have turned into bitterness or me feeling as if God owed me something. (What bride wants a bitter maid of honor at her side? And God doesn't owe me anything....He already gave me everything! Its me who owes a debt I cannot pay and it is He who isn't keeping a tally of IOU's). I was so grateful to have another friend by my side that weekend who was also in the wedding. I shared with her my struggles early on before all the wedding weekend activities began, and she was struggling a bit too. We prayed together that the Lord would take away our selfish feelings and thoughts and that the true excitement deep within us would push out the opposite feeling. What a great God we have, because the next morning I can honestly say that my selfish potentially bitter feelings were gone! And they stayed gone the whole weekend! (They started to creep in a bit towards the end of the reception..... and I didn't fight it when it hit hardcore on the drive home...though I should have.) It was just such a relief to have them gone and to be able to enjoy the weekend with my friend, by her side, supporting her and being fully excited for her without the other emotions attacking me. Oh, and I only got one of those "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" comments...though not exactly said as such, the general meaning was behind it. (Thats just not the right chord to strum on the heartstrings of a woman who does desire marriage.) I just told them to get on their knees pray for it too, because I had no say in His timing. The weekend got me thinking too that guys probably don't struggle with this like girls do. I don't imagine a single guy getting ready to be a best man struggling the week of a wedding about not being at that point in life yet..... but then again I don't know any guys who have dreamt about that day like us girls do. Mars and Venus.

All this came about while there were some struggles with a potential someone in my life, on top of some encouraging conversations with someone I was interested in a few years ago, then some friends going through some really rough times (and I am always prone to take on other people's burdens), hard days at work, and other dear and younger friends of mine going down the altar before me (as if its some kind of race!). That comment thrown at me for the way my inner sinful self thinks I am entitled to stuff or that things aren't going how I thought they would or whatever. I know that God has a different story for each person...Praise Him that we don't have cookie cutter lives! And praise Him that He is a better judge than me for what is best for me, because I sure do think I have that answer, but so often I don't know what I want, so how can I know what I need?

Yet I realize that there are some amazing things with being in the stage of life I am in.... granted some of them would be so fun to do with a life companion, but I am not going to let life pass me by either. And who's to say if I ever will have that companion? Besides the call to serve where and how I can, I want to take advantage of the time I will have as I start my 7 on 7 off schedule in a few weeks at my job. For example.... I am going to Peru in September to visit my friends there, later in September I am going skydiving with some friends and hiking with my Dad.... Later in the fall there is a possible trip to Boston, maybe NYC. I am also hoping to work it out to have all my student loans paid off in 6 months too. That would be so great!! I am hoping to go visit my brother and his family in St Louis also on some of my off weeks. (I probably have idealized these off weeks way more than realistically I should) but I also would love to start to paint more and maybe learn the violin. Maybe I can also sprout some wings and fly! Just kidding.... we'll see though... the others are more realistic. In the midst of typing up this blog, I started dreaming about going to Italy and Greece (which I have always wanted to do) and looked up a tour and got myself all worked up about that too!

So I realize that I have just typed up a whole bunch of jabber, but in doing so, it always gives me a fresh perspective on things, and helps me see beyond myself. So I am glad that God is WAY bigger than me and knows what is best, and that His creativity goes WAY beyond what I would come up with for myself...when I want the cookie cutter, He breaks the mold and does what He wants. I like that! And I can truly type at this moment right now, I am content on where He has me.