Be Addicted to Him

I recently had to get some files recovered from an external harddrive which was failing. I thought I'd lost close to 100gb of videos, pictures, documents and other important items to me, mainly from my years in Peru. A genius friend of mine was able to get most of the files back for me, and I was just sorting through them. In a folder I'd placed somewhere hard to get to, were some memories from a serious relationship in my past. I laughed when I saw it and decided it was ok to delete those memories. However in that folder was a small document he had challenged me to write, and I thought I'd save that one from the trash bin. My own words from my past encouraged me, so I thought I'd post it here. So here is "Be Addicted to Him".

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I was raised in the church, as a PK (preacher's kid) of all things. But it wasn’t until I was 22 when I went on my first mission trip. For those who have been on a mission trip before to a 3^rd world country, close your eyes with me and relive the memories. For those who haven’t, close your eyes, and take a trip with me to a 3^rd world country. For my experience, we’ll go to Lima, Peru. You look around with me and see a city, smoggy, like many large cities, grey and overcast due to its climate, and located in a dusty, dirty desert. Take a deep breath with me, and you will smell trash of all kinds; human and animal waste, fresh and old; exhaust from old wearing down cars, trucks, and buses. If you were to take a Kleenex with me right now, and wipe slightly the inside of your nose, you’d be discusted to see a black film on the tissue. Now I challenge you to open your heart with me. See the old man begging on the street with his trembling hand. See the impoverished little Indian woman in rags selling her handmade goods. See the little child on the street selling candy midday to help his family buy bread instead of going to school. Open your heart a bit more with me. Most of these people do not know about our Savior, and believe in the traditional praying to their saints (who I can guarantee don’t answer their petitions) and doing good works in order to get to heaven. If they continue with those beliefs, where are they going?

I have now been on the mission field for over a year. I have learned so much, yet not enough. Without Christ, I am just as lost as the drunk man on the sidewalk, or the man down my street stoned and shouting as he paces by my house. God has shown me His intense faithfulness in my time here. I get overwhelmed, if not on a daily basis, a weekly basis, by the extreme need that surrounds me. I am unable to meet all the needs. I am unable to sit down and talk to the 9 million people that live in the Lima area, to share with them of my faithful Lord. He doesn’t ask that much of me, and only gives me what I can handle. The mission field has brought out much more of my sin, some which is culturally innate, that I brought with me from the good US of A, and I’ve had to work through my ideas differently than I would back home. Yet, if I am a Christian, where is “home”? It isn’t in the USA, its in heaven, and when I suffer from homesickness here, it usually is more longing for my true home. Life is not as comfortable here, as it might be back in the States, but as a Christian, we are not called to live in comfort. We are, however called to know Him and to make Him known. How much do you know Him? How much have you made Him known?

Follow God to places out of your comfort zone, whether a mission trip, the mission field, sharing the gospel with your coworker, helping in the nursery, or whatever, and do it in His grace. I can’t even begin to tell you how faithful He is and how much His grace and peace will surround you if you let Him take you to those “uncomfort” zones. And how you will be blessed! Trust me, “once you pop” of His faithfulness, “you can’t stop!” One taste of His faithfulness and grace in situations unfamiliar, you will be addicted. Of all addictions, His unending grace, His unconditional love, and His unmatchable faithfulness, and all other characteristics that make up our Lord, He is the best addiction! Long for Him. Ache for Him to fill you. Be addicted to Him!

Broken

“Every difficult relationship is ordained by God to expose our need for Christ. We must be more broken about our sin than frustrated by others.”

Dr. Bob Flayhart, pastor Oak Mountain Presbyterian

About a month ago I prayed that the Lord would expose more of my sin to me. I know that is a prayer that will result in some uneasy times, but I was tired of coasting through some of my life this year acknowledging general sin, but not specific sin. A situation arose a few weeks ago at work with a coworker that frustrated me greatly, and while it frustrated me pretty much the entire week, it also revealed my pride and critical self. So then I had two things weighing on me: My great frustration with my coworker that was impossible to ignore and would render a huge defensive attack if mentioned, and seeing my nasty ugly sin in the whole situation. What an answer to prayer!!! =)

Hey…. I got what I asked for didn’t I?

That week the situation came to a confrontation of sorts on no less than Sunday morning. I was already broken, praying and working on my heart and attitude from the whole week. After confronting her after she snapped at me, I knew I needed to get out of the environment, after doing what I could to “stay at peace”. The whole drive home and to church I listened to Laura Story, and repeated “Make Something Beautiful” and “There is Nothing” which I greatly needed for confession and preparing to worship.

Here are a few of the lyrics from There is Nothing:

Lord I come before You,
To honor and adore You,


For who You are and all that You have done, 


Lord I am not worthy,
My heart is dark and dirty


Still somehow You bid for me to come

So clothe me in humility, 
Remind me, that I come before a King

And there is nothing,
There is nothing,
More precious, more worthy,


May I gaze deeper, 
May I stand longer


May I press onward to know You Lord


So I go to church that morning, broken of myself, which is a bittersweet thing, and come to find that the sermon that day was about work…from good work ethics to coworkers. It was what I had been preaching to myself already that week and being broken of, but was good for me to not preach it to myself, but to hear it instead.

The chorus from another Laura Story song, Make Something Beautful became my prayer:

Take all of my life, all of my life,
And make something beautiful.


I open my hand, trusting Your plan.
Make something beautiful

so all will see
Your work in me, as You make something beautiful

HIS WORK IN ME.....its nothing of myself. I can't change myself. I can be motivated, but when it comes down to it I can't throw off my sinful self. All I can do is run to Him. Because of Christ, He turns these dirty nasty ugly rags of my life and cleans them. What great hope that is!

And even now, a few weeks later, I have even more exposed sin in my life, but I can only hope in Him to change me and to make something beautiful!

A Broken Label

Indications: Take the following if you need to be exposed to more of your sin and be broken of yourself.

Warning: Praying to be broken and have more unnoticed sin in your life be exposed leads to seeing yourself not “not as bad as you thought” rather A LOT WORSE than you thought you were.

Contraindications: Do not pray this if you don’t really want to be changed by the God or have legalistic mindset thinking you alone can work your way out of your sin problem or go through a check-list to be “better”.

Directions: Pray to see more of your sin. Let God show you your sin. Do not be despaired and weighed down with the sin that the Lord shows you, rather realize that you can only be changed by Him, and that He who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion (Phil 1:6).

Lessons from Blackout Curtains: #2

What is the point of blackout curtains? "Obvious", you say, "to block out the light." I was thinking the other day, in light of a few dark weeks I've had (ha... I just noticed what I wrote!)...that in life a lot of times when things are "dark" I don't want to let the Light of the world in. Now in my room, even if I close the curtains and my world is dark, that doesn't mean that the light isn't on the other side of the curtains. The light still exists, even if it goes unacknowledged by me. And truthfully, with the style of curtains I hung in my room, some light does get in around the edges, so really, I can't get away from it. So goes the same in my life spiritually...

When I want to pull away, draw the curtains to close all around me, the Light still is there, whether I acknowledge Him or not. He is still pouring His light into my world around the edges of my blackout curtains, when I selfishly block Him and other lights out, retreating to my cave. And to what good?

The thing with working nights is that I am awake during the darkest hours, and asleep during the brightest hours. I might see light for a couple hours if I am lucky. But how much more grateful I am on my 7 off where I can spend a lot of time out in the light, and I don't take it as much for granted. Its that much more special to me. That relates too with my recent low and "dark" days.... I am so much more grateful for the Light, even when I tried to block Him out, and am trying not to take Him for granted. He's that much more special to me, after brightening my dark days.

Lessons From Blackout Curtains: #1

Since I work on the night shift during my work week, I have been planning for a while to make some blackout curtains to make sleeping during the day easier. (Now if I could just organize that better with the construction crews behind my house.) So in December when I was visiting my fam in St. Louis, I mentioned my desire and vision for my curtains to my sister-in-law, who is a creative genius. We went fabric shopping and I found the perfect color fabric and black-out material to go with it. Though it totaled to be more than I was expecting, buying it was good for me because if I invest in a project, I am more likely to follow-through with it. Several weeks went by...holidays, a trip to Peru, and a few other miscellaneous issues.... and finally a few weeks ago, I took out time for my project.

Let me preface the part of the story where I sewed. The last time I sat in front of a sewing machine was about 13-14 years ago, the year after I took home ec (now called "Family and Consumer Sciences" I believe), so my sewing skills were rusty to say the least. I faced many challenges....and with those, I ended up calling everyone I knew who sewed, even posting on my facebook wall that I needed help. Many were able to talk over the phone, but not being there over my shoulder to walk me through and troubleshoot the machine, it still was a frustrating task. I even consulted YouTube, which helped some, but by the end of the night, when I thought I had it all set-up right, I sewed a few inches and SNAP! The needle broke. The only sewing needle I had.

The next day I got new needles and attempted to conquer this machine again. I found the instruction manual, and within a few minutes, I was sewing. There is a manual for many good reasons! It was so much easier than the night before when a few choice words I spoke out of frustration echoed in my house.

I sewed away, and the hems of these curtains are not even, the lines are not straight, and though I wasn't being a perfectionist with this project, I was still excited and proud of my creation. As I was sewing and thinking about all the frustrations I had, and how imperfect the hems were being sewn, I couldn't help but think of my favorite Psalm, and these verses came to mind:

Psalm 139

5-You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

13-For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14- I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

15-My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16a-your eyes saw my unformed body.

It made me think of myself as God's creation, and how He was not frustrated like I was. He didn't break any sewing needles, nor did He need to call anyone for help or consult any manuals. And even if a few hems of me were off and uneven, I am just as He wanted me to be, He is still proud of me and excited about me because I am HIS! I am His creation and He delights in me. As I see my curtains hanging now, it seems like they were always there, they just fit in well in my room, they belong there. He has me here, now where He wants me, where I belong.

Breath of Heaven

One of my other favorite Christmas songs, this one written from Mary's point of view. I've posted all the lyrics below, but one particular part of this song is one of my current prayers for myself:

".....But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan....."

How often do I long to see my plan take place? How much of my own energy do I put into offering all I am for what I want to see happen? Yet in the past, when I have offered myself to His plan, its always been for my best, and though some of those times have been hard, they were so full of blessings. To truly offer all I am, I need God's grace to help me out of myself. Just as this song shows Mary's need for His strength and His presence, I need that too!



All the lyrics:

Breath of Heaven
I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And I wonder what I've done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place,
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

Born to Die

I love the Christmas season, and especially Christmas music. This is one of my new favorites, just giving a little glimpse of Christ leaving His glory in heaven and arriving in a humble state.


Born to Die
by Bebo Norman

They never knew a dark night
always had the Son's light
on their face
Perfect in glory
Broken by the story
of untold grace...
come that day

Majesty had come down
Glory had succumed now
to flesh and bone
In the arms of a manger
In the hands of strangers
that could not know
Just who they hold

Chorus:
And the angels filled the sky
All of heaven wondered why
Why their King would choose to be
Be a baby born to die

And all fell silent
For the cry of an infant,
the voice of God
Was dividing history
For those with eyes to see,
the Son would shine
From earth that night

Chorus

Bridge:
To break the chains
Of guilt and sin
To find us here
To pull us in
So we can join in Heaven's song
And with one voice around the throne

Chorus:
All the Angels filled the sky
And I can't help but wonder why
Why the King would choose to be
Be a baby born for me
Be a baby born to die

Life is TOO Precious

I am at work right now. My thoughts are scattered, and I am typing this looking through teary eyes.

I just helped in a code.....and in the end a 5 year old boy passed away.

He wasn't my patient, but I just helped in documenting the code as it took place. The team fought, and fought hard for his life. When things were not improving mom and dad came in to be with him until the end. Mom was singing "it is well with my soul" and praying aloud for God's glory in this and for those of us in the room.

I held the tears back at this point. When I got back to my patients in "the cube" (babies whose parents can't stay with them)....I held one of my babies and rocked her as I cried. She slept while I rocked, but at one point she stretched her arm and her hand rested on my face. (I lost it again).

Life is too precious. We can't take it for granted.

Thanksgiving at Children's Hospital

Its my first stateside Thanksgiving in 4 years. Earlier in the week I was kinda bummed about that thought and that I wouldn't see any family today....maybe I have gotten used to the idea and don't have such a "woe is me attitude", or maybe the Lord did a work in my heart and changed my outlook. I am taking care of some babies right now that started off life with a rough go of it, healthwise and family wise. I found myself rocking 3 of them tonight, praying for them, knowing that their family wasn't going to see them on Thanksgiving, and being thankful for the opportunity to love them and care for them. I thought of the one little boy abandoned by both parents....My Father will never leave or forsake me. I thought of the other little boy whose mother died shortly after he was born....My Father sent His Son who died to give me life.

There is so much to be thankful for.

I have been studying Colossians, and I wrote a verse on an index card and have been carrying it around with me tonight. The card is quite bent now, but I read it when I get a chance.

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these things put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:12-17

There is so much in those 5 verses that I need God's help with....but today I want to focus on the bold words, relishing in an amazing God who has given me way beyond what I deserve and blessed me in more ways than I could've asked or imagined. I find that in these rare times when I can sit and ponder what I can be thankful for, I am able to clothe myself better with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, and forgiveness. It still isn't easy, but it helps get things in perspective. I should be more thankful more often.

A New Idol

It came to mind during the sermon on Sunday, a new idol I have been carrying around. Something that has been consuming my thoughts, something that I have even been praying about, and not that the "thing" is a bad thing, its actually a blessing....but have I been thinking about it, joking around about it, and letting it consume me too much. I hadn't really thought of it as an idol. But Sunday it dawned on me that it has been, and that my focus needs to be elseware in life..aka ON CHRIST. So, only by God's grace, definetly not in my own strength, can I step forward and leave this idol behind.